Thread: Son/Husband

I just watched Sandman's newest youtube video "Single Mothers Wrecking Soyciety" and realized I'm a Son/Husband. My Dad passed away almost three years ago, and I am an only child. At first I just did things around Mom's house to help her out because Dad wasn't there to do them anymore. Now my wife passed a little over four months ago, and now it feels like I'm a Son/Husband. Mom doesn't have a drivers license, so I drive her every where she goes. If there is a time she wants to go somewhere and I'm busy doing something or just tired and want to stay home, she pouts and says she will try to find someone else to take her. She does do some weed eating around the edge of her yard, but I mow her yard and weed eat the hard to get places. When she wants the yard mowed, it has to be done that day and can not wait or she goes off on how Dad would say "the place is going to hell".

I literally get honeydo lists of things she needs done. The three month HVAC filter change went over by two weeks a month ago and I am still getting griped at over that. She gripes at me if my yard doesn't get it's weekly mowing on the day she thinks it should be mowed. I am literally at my wits end. I get frustrated with her, and then I feel guilty because she is my mother and a widow, even though she didn't raise me. If I say what's happening with her to anyone, I get the "she's your mother" line and I'm the asshole.

Sandman made it clear and made me realize I am a Son/Husband.

Goddamn. If I were you I'd try to find a job in a different part of your country so you don't have to deal with this situation anymore. I mean hell, she didn't even raise you, what do you owe her? Nothing!

That's no good. Bad treatment is bad treatment, who gets a pass for that? You are at your wits end.

If this is as bad as it sounds:

Get Out.

Get Out. Get Out. Get Out.

My mum did this shit to my whole family throughout our lives, even when dad was alive.

I got out as soon as I was old enough. It hurt me to do so, to turn my back on my own mum caused me all sorts of emotional turmoil, but I got over it.

My brother stayed and spent most of his life suffering. My mum is passed many years now, my dad too. My brother (who stayed) is still suffering because of her.

Get out!

I know people who live in the same town and won't do a thing for their parents. Not everybody gets help. Your being taken for granted.

There's a difference between asking for help and ordering people around, and your mother has crossed the line. It's plain Mom thinks she is your first responsibility, and that you and your son can just take what's left over. Wouldn't surprise me if she didn't even realize what she's asking for. It's all about her needs, wasting your time don't even show on her radar. Not everybody's like that, your mom is way out of line.

I think you need to stage a Mutiny. Mow when you feel like it and let he find a another ride every now and then. When she bitches, tell her you're there to help not carry the whole load. When she moans about how dad would do better, tell her dad's dead and the good old days are over.

She obviously loves controlling you and will try anything to keep you in her power. But as long as you're willing to be the bad guy and limit the help you give; I think you could escape the worst of her tricks. If the rest of the town don't see it that way and side with her, well fuck e'm. If mom refuses to change tell her you've had enough and she's on her own. This is a horrible thing to recommend, but you're going to go crazy if you don't do something.

Guys I have to do something. I guess I will just have to break over and be the asshole of the town because I can't do all this shit anymore. The fucking pouting is shit my wife used to do and it's just way to similar when Mom does it. I have bad days mentally thinking about everyone in my life who has passed. Losing my Grandparents that raised me was devastating and I still have bad days over them. I'm being pushed over the mental edge with her shit. I gotta do something.

We inadvertently teach others how we want to be treated. I go into these things by defining to myself what my boundaries are, then I make those boundaries clear to the other person. Perhaps decide how much of this is the quantity of chores and how much of this is the way she treats you. You could, for instance, be unequivocally inflexible on how she needs to treat you while secondarily making it clear what you can and cannot do.

I let my adult sister live with me which turned out to be a huge mistake and where I had to be the one to find her an apartment and roommate then move her into it. Maybe you might have to locate someone to mow and weed-eat her lawn on a schedule and she pays for it.

Part of your trouble is mom has been getting her way for three years and breaking that level of conditioning may or may not be possible. Somehow, you're going to have to show her your serious and the old ways are over. Way it is now she don't appear to even understand she has a problem. You might have to walk if she refuses to change. If that happens, maybe she'll come around later and maybe she won't. But whatever she decides, it's on her, not you.

All this is strange to me, my mom hardly asked for a thing after dad died.

Originally Posted by GDash

Mom doesn't have a drivers license, so I drive her every where she goes.

Here we go... a grown up baby, is she overweight, seems to be a thing lately? sipping coke and eating cake while complaining the world is such a fuck up unfair world. Public transport is a thing, no need for a personal taxi. and she could try to take her legs somewhere from time to time.

She pouts and says she will try to find someone else to take her.

Here she's trying to manipulate you by making you feel bad ''if you don't do it, and be the bad son, I'll get someone else!'' Well, i hope she does before tomorrow comes for you.

she goes off on how Dad would say "the place is going to hell".

Again, nice shaming. What in the actual fuck. Is that house in your name? if not, than she can be happy if you help out and she doesn't need to hire someone or ''get someone'' to do it for her.

I get frustrated with her, and then I feel guilty

Shaming tactics are typical wymen behaviour, and are such a nasty thing i would've walked out of there yesterday. She has you right there, where she wants you. Now go mow that lawn..

Be careful what you do, don't go overboard, don't do things that may come back to haunt you after she's gone.

Sometimes as men, we tend to club the fuck out of something that only needed a word or two, navigate accordingly.

And the final smack in the mouth will be there in Mom's will. You don't get the house.

When my mother sat me and my sister down to tell us she was divorcing my dad she told me that I was now going to be the "man of the house" I was fucking 8 or so years old!

And yes once I became an adult and got a job I moved out.

While mom does need help, what's important to her is the ability to make you hop. The work you do is secondary to her being able to order you around. She also has it too easy and has no idea how much trouble it would be without you.

You got to break this. Next time she gives you a honey-do list, wad it up and throw it away without looking at it. Tell her if you want a list, you'll make one. When she demands you do something unimportant yesterday, tell her no, or some other time. She'll never stop until you make her quit controlling you. It's too bad it comes to this, but she's doing it to herself. Did she order everyone around when she was younger?

I get the idea that except for your problems with mom, your happy where you are. Moving would likely be harder than dealing with mom or you'd be gone already. There's something to be said for Jackoff's plan though, it solves the problem. My father appeared to hate his mother and wouldn't even talk about it. He made sure we lived far away and only saw her maybe three times in fifty years.

When she tries to shame you, tell her you're an adult now, and not her servant. Ask her if she'd like some help, or none? Tell her real plain it's going to be one or the other. I'll admit this is mean, but there's no chance of her improving if you don't. And if she doesn't improve, it's over. Sooner or later, you'll blow, and then she won't have a son, a grandson, or any help. Be better for all three of you if it don't come to that. It's true you and your son wouldn't be losing much, but you shouldn't go there if you don't have to.

Guys I really appreciate you listening and all of the advice. I don't really have anyone to talk to or vent to anymore. I would never put any of my shit off on my son. He is dealing with enough now having lost his mother. I'm going to tell her I will do what I can when I feel like doing it, or if I even feel like doing it. With work, taking care of my own shit, trying to raise a boy on my own, I don't have the time or the patience to deal with all of her problems and her attitude.

Again I really appreciate all you listening and giving me advice. You all are the only people I have to vent to and get advice from, and just reading your replies and advice has helped me so much. Thank you all.

Hi GDash,

I re-read your O.P. and there was something I missed first time round. You say your wife passed just 4 months ago, my condolences.

You’re probably still deep in mourning which makes your mother’s antics even worse.

Anyhow you know something has to give, the only question left is how.

Some have suggested attempting to change the relationship between the two of you. I think this is an excellent idea even though I doubt it will change much, at least not for very long. With people like this it seems to be so ingrained into their nature that they’re never going to change. In fact, as time goes on they become worse and ever nastier about the whole thing.

It seems as they become older they become more and more bitter with their lives and have a deep seated need to make those around them feel even worse than they do. Just my own thought on the matter.


So why do I think it’s such a good idea to try to patch things up then?

Well, if it succeeds then all is well. If it doesn’t then you can move on in the knowledge that you gave her every chance and this will make it easier for you to accept that your decision was out of necessity. You have also changed the onus of what happens next from yourself to her.

Also, if it doesn’t work and you end up walking away, should anyone in town try to criticise or shame you, you can look them squarely in the eye and tell them you gave her every chance, it was her choice not yours, shrug your shoulders and walk away.

I wouldn’t worry too much about her bad-mouthing you to others for this either. Chances are she’s already doing this since she’s doing it to your face.


So how to approach it:

If you don’t set the scene, if you let her provoke you into taking your stance one of two things is likely to happen:

1. You will plead with her to stop. She will see this as weakness and whist she may back off a little when she starts up again it will be even worse than before. People like this revel in causing pain in others. It seems to validate their existence in some warped way.

2. You get angry and demand she stops. She will see this as a victory and may even provoke you further just to see you squirm. Alternatively she may play innocent also to watch you squirm whilst you wrestle with conflicting emotions. Don’t give her that satisfaction.

Pick your time, don’t let her. Make sure you’re calm and collected. Show her that you are strong in your convictions and that her only choices are to accept your terms or say goodbye. Make it clear when and where you are prepared to help but the rest of your life is yours to live not hers to control. Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the way it’s going to be from now on.

And expect resistance running the gamut of seeking pity through all the manipulation stages including denial, tears, threats, anger and recriminations (bad son shit). In this way you can be prepared for them and not let them touch you, at least in her presence.

This, of course, will only succeed in the long run if you implement your conditions ruthlessly otherwise she’ll peck away at you until you’re back where you started.


Whatever you decide, don’t let it get to the point where you flip altogether and do something stupid that will land you in shit with the law.

Be patient with yourself, spend some time planning a strategy including what you are prepared to offer and pick your moment.

Good Luck.

What Jackoff say's, pick your time carefully.