Thread: Joke Time

My wife has been using the same safe word in the bedroom for years.

“Get off me!”

Inspirational quote of the day:

Don't be a stupid motherfucking dumbass fucking twat waffle whiney bitchface piece of shit!

Martin Luther King Jr.:

I had a dream but y’all keep fucking it up!

I told my shrink I identify as a dog.

He made me get off the couch.

A guy stopped me today. "What's the quickest way to the hospital?" he asked.

I said, "Lie down in the street. And don't move no matter what happens."

A Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) teacher enters the classroom with a banana. He says, "Boys and girls, today I will teach you how to put on a condom. I brought the banana because I can't get an erection on an empty stomach."

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

My new girlfriend found a kamasutra book in my room yesterday.

She said, "You horny devil, how many of the positions have you tried then?"

I said, "About 140 out of the 150."

"Why didn't you do the last 10?" she laughed sarcastically.

"Because the dog died," I replied.

When I was a kid I always liked "Show and Tell" at school.

Looking back, I think I mighta misunderstood the concept.

Every time I showed, the girls would tell.

If she calls it a...
cock = watches too much porn
dick = too much seth rogen movies
penis = nerd alert
wang = lives with mom
hog = trump supporter
wand = double nerd alert
wiener = wears socks to bed
knob = british
the d train = call the cops
mister boopsy = keeper

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else liked them. Set them free again!

If tomorrow you woke up as the opposite sex - What’s the first thing you would do?

If it were me I would play with my tits for a while - then see if I could still park my car!