Thread: Joke Time

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.”

The robot slaps the son.

“Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

“Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!”

The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!”

The robot slaps the mother.

Q: How is a hurricane like a marriage?

A: At the beginning there’s a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it’s over your house is gone.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

^^ haha! Lol

My girlfriend asked me to see things from a woman's point of view.

So I looked out the kitchen window.

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Originally Posted by toolate

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This is cringe-worthy material, not a joke.

I'd say a joke about gypsies, but since there is barely anyone in this forum who had an encounter with them in life, I'll do another one:

-What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
-Both have been created for kids, but men always play with them more.

A guy walks into a bar and puts a bag in front of the barkeep.
While pouring a beer, the Barkeep says, "What ya got in the bag buddy?"

The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a miniature piano, beautifully made, accurate in every detail with fine wood inlays and scrolling. He then reaches into the bag again and takes out a tiny man, an actual human, dressed in a tuxedo but just one foot tall. The tiny man sits at the piano and begins to play a Chopin Nocturne with breathtaking virtuosity.

The barkeep is amazed. "That's incredible!" he says, "Where in holy hell did you get those?"
The guy gives a sardonic grin, reaches into his bag again and pulls out a battered oil lamp. "Magic lamp." he replies,"Try it."

The barkeep takes the lamp and rubs it on his sleeve. POOF!! A genie appears in a cloud of coloured smoke.
"I am the Genie of the Lamp," he says, "your wish is my command."
The barkeep is goggle-eyed with amazement and stutters, "Wha-wha-da-fu...GIVE ME TEN MILLION BUCKS!!"
The genie clicks his fingers...as the door to the bar opens and in walks a duck...and another duck...and another...then another and the barkeep can see a long line of ducks outside.

The barkeep looks at the guy and says, "Ya' know, buddy, I think your genie's a little deaf - I didn't ask him for ten million ducks."
The guy gives his sardonic grin again and replies,"I know. Do you really think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?"

-John!
-Yes, Sir!
-How many degrees are in the castle?
-15 degrees, Sir.
-And outside?
-5 degrees, Sir.
-Then, John, open the windows to allow the other ones in!

There are 3 married guys. One newly married, a guy married a couple of years with a kid and an older guy.

Young guy: I don't know. When we were dating, my girl gave me daily blow jobs. We never got out of bed. Now that the honeymoon is over the blow jobs are over. She said that she never liked doing that. And now I am lucky if I have sex once a week.

Guy with kid: Please. After my little boy was born, I am lucky if I have sex once a month. She always says that she is tired and not in the mood.

Old guy: Cry me a river you guys. If it weren't for the fact that my wife sleeps with her mouth open, I wouldn't have any sex at all.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop.

Who here wants to play the rape game?




No?




That's the spirit!

Female Viagra has been around for years......it's called money!

How do you know when a Mexican is hungry? When his arsehole stops burning!

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met

Well, she did ask

A baby seal walks into a club...

That's definitely worse than the dyslexic who walked into a bra.

What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?

Make her chain shorter.

Two martians visit earth, and land near a service station that's closed for the night. They walk up to the pumps, and the first martian goes "take me to your leader." The gas pump says nothing. "Take me to your leader,"repeats the first martian. The second martian then says "I wouldn't mess with that guy, he looks bad." First martian goes "I aint afraid, I'm gona blast him if he don't talk. "Take me to your leader." Of course he gets no answer, so he pulls his ray gun, and shoots the gas pump. It blows up, and the martians land in a heap about block away. Damn, says the first martian, as they stand up and dust themselves off. "He was bad. how'd you know that?" The second martian goes "anyone who can wrap their dick around their waist and stick it in their ear has got to be bad!"

Q: How do you get an 80-year old woman to say the F-word?

A: Yell, "BINGO!"