Thread: Joke Time

Church of England apologises for 'shameful' treatment of LGBTQI+ people.

(Translated):
We have got so few bums on pews in our churches that we are even prepared to tolerate bummers and bummed bums on pews and will reluctantly accept pink pounds in our offertory.

A man and a woman are engaged in foreplay when she whispers in his ear "Stick a finger in me". He complies and starts slowly finger banging her.

"Add another finger," she demands and so he does. She keeps asking for more, he soon has his entire hand inside her, and she still demands more. He begins slipping his other hand into her beside the first.

"More, deeper," she demands. He now has both hands in her up to the wrist, but she still wants it more. He is quickly forearm deep and then up to his elbows. She keeps demanding more and he finds himself punching both his arms in and out of her nearly up to his shoulders. "Clap your hands," she gasps. He tries to but can't move his hands apart far enough to clap them together.

The woman looks at him, smiles, and asks "Tight, huh?"

Here are a couple "Dilbert" cartoons from almost 30 years ago (June 1994). The employees are sent to "diversity sensitivity training" classes, a type of early corporate woke training back in that era.







Link to Dilbert website: https://dilbert.com/

We were getting in the lift to head up to the office when the fat bird from accounts tried to squeeze in with us. As she stepped into the lift there was a muffled whimpering.

"Who's taking the piss?" she demanded angrily.

"Don't look at us," I replied, "That was the lift."

Three guys, American, German, Japanese, were on a safari in the African jungle.
They got lost and wound up getting captured by a more primitive tribe.

Now, these tribesmen were BIG guys, around 7' tall, with their schlongs hanging to their knees.

The tribe leader explained to the 3 that they trespassed on sacred land and would be punished for it,
but they would get to choose their punishment: Unga bunga, or death.

The American is brought up first and is given the choice: unga bunga, or death.
Not knowing what unga bunga is, and figuring that anything is better than death, chooses unga bunga.

5 tribesmen take him, bend him over a chair, and have their way with him, then set him free.

Next, the German is brought up, and having witnessed what happened with the American, was thinking death at first,
but when given the choice: unga bunga, or death, agreed that anything is better than death, also chooses unga bunga.

So the 5 tribesmen did the same with him, then set him free.

Now, the Japanese guy, having been raised with the Japanese honor, decided he was not going to be dishonored like that,
so, when he was brought up, was also asked: unga bunga, or death.

He replied: I choose DEATH.

Tribe leader: Death, death it is...
Death by.............unga bunga.

Strippers have always used names of expensive things like, Diamond or Mercedes. Nowadays DJ's be like "Please welcome Gas and Eggs to the main stage."

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me £160. I gave him £80, and told him to get the rest from the other asshole!

An Indian Brave(IB) was having some strange dreams, so he went to see the Medicine Man(MM).

IB: Help me Medicine Man, last night I dreamed I was a teepee, and the night before I dreamed I was a wigwam. What does it mean?

MM: You're two tense...(rimshot)!

"Nobody asked you!" around the world:

5. Mind your beeswax (English)

4. Deal with your own onions (French)

3. You have no camel in the caravan (Arabic)

2. Who gave you a candle for this vigil? (Chilean Spanish)

1. You're not getting fucked, so don't wiggle your ass (Russian)

I wanna eat 5 meals a day. Who decided 3?

The same person who came up with the 2 day weekend?

Fucking loser.

Me: do you shower after sex?

Coworker: yeah of course I do!

Me: well how about getting laid a little more often!

Just been into Arby’s and asked for a BLT, it took a while but eventually a Bi-sexual, a lesbian, and a fucking transgender turned up to help me with my order.

Blonde feminist:

MEN STRUATION
MEN OPAUSE
MEN TAL BREAKDOWNS.

See? Most of women's problems begin with MEN!

Every time I tried to look up sick shit on my phone like amputee dwarf porn or bestiality it would just show photos of sunny meadows and kittens playing with balls of yarn.

Then I remembered I left my phone on Do Not Disturb.

When I am trying to make a decision, it's often a struggle between my head and my heart.

Then my penis walks in and says, "Relax guys, I got this."

My wife shouted from the other room "has the interest rate gone up?"

I muttered "no, I still don't want to fuck you"

Is "motherfucker" one or two words? (I'm writing a Valentine).

PS: Sorry, English isn’t my first language!

Originally Posted by WanderLuster

Blonde feminist:

MEN STRUATION
MEN OPAUSE
MEN TAL BREAKDOWNS.

See? Most of women's problems begin with MEN!

And men's problems are with men : WoMEN.

In fact, without men, there is no woMEN

lol!

Fuck Netflix and chill. I'm tryna Hulu & do you. IMAX & climax. Amazon prime & nasty time!