Thread: How to not feel guilty for doing what is right, or being assertive?

I feel anxiety and reluctance when I have to have to stand for myself, or doing something that makes me appear as not nice. I have befriended many people, and realized several red flags. For example, any friend who takes drugs, no matter if they're "light" or "heavy" drugs is a red flag. I say that because I have had the misfortune of knowing people who took drugs. I also instantly red flag a person who has severe mental health disorders. I am not talking about mild depression, or moodiness, I am talking about paranoia, hallucinations, violence and volatile mood. These people always fuck you over.

I have just severed ties with someone who takes drugs, is a progressive (communist), bashed me for speaking my mind about MGTOW and for literally always talking to me with an attitude. Talking to me like he's morally superior to me because he is blue pilled, etc.

I was blunt and appeared rude. I just told him to never talk to me again, and I deleted him from all of my social media and blocked him.

I appeared so rude, and my heart was pounding (although I obviously didn't display my anxiety to him when I talked to him). It felt so anxiety-inducing to "stand up" for myself. He has done me nothing but talk to an attitude with me, ignore me, acts like I have to agree with everything he says and I always couldn't speak my mind with him.

I feel so defensive about who to talk to now. Instead of freely expressing who I am to others (MGTOW, other stuff) I will deliberately not give any info to anything that is controversial or sensitive.

How to be more assertive?

I'm afraid that I don't have any magic advice, except that it gets easier the more you stand up for yourself. I was raised to NOT make a scene, or stand up for myself--but particularly since my divorce, my philosophy has been that true friends won't be offended if I speak frankly, and people who are offended are not ones I want to be around anyway. I'm not deliberately rude to anybody, but I also won't allow them to take advantage of me.

I feel anxiety and reluctance when I have to have to stand for myself, or doing something that makes me appear as not nice.

You sound like a very nice man. Are you a very nice man who does not fully understand that so many people in the world use very nice people to dump on with their toxic bullshit? To them, any willing receptacle is to who they will deliver their crap.

A nice man must protect himself accordingly.

I will tell you a past trait about myself that I don't like to think about, let alone share it, but until my mid-30s I believed that I should try to be friends with anybody who wanted to be friends with me. I thought I was being a good Christian, a follower of Jesus. But holy shit, did I attract a lot of broken and malformed people who saw that I was not rejecting them wholesale, like apparently everybody else had done, and so by accepting their ups and downs I was the recipient of a lot of toxicity that did not do me, a nice man, a bit of good. So, at a low point in my life I abandoned that idea, telling God that He makes shitty people and that I can no longer be a friend to just anyone who wants a friend in me. I can't be God's social worker, it was taking me down. I didn't like saying that to God, the You make shitty people part, but in saying it, I finally acknowledged my difference and also I just raised the price of knowing me. My price had just gone up, baby. I do not any longer make myself available to anybody and everybody. From that point on, you gotta show me that you're not stuck in the ditch in the Road of Life or else I gotta stay away from you. Or something like that.

A man's got to know his limitations. - Harry Callahan, Magnum Force

How to be more assertive?

Assertive, how? In continuing to converse with people who mistreat you? Do you wish you could tell him off without your conscience bothering you?

In all cases, get away from people who vex you. That, too, is assertion. Avoiding contact with broken people is asserting to yourself who you are.

Such assertiveness, you have shown. If you're thinking that you should be able to pull away from someone without ever feeling rude with heart pounding? Not always. This happens in life. If this is happening too much to you, consider the idea of raising your price, as I did.

Instead of freely expressing who I am to others (MGTOW, other stuff) I will deliberately not give any info to anything that is controversial or sensitive.

Always wise to use caution and discernment.

Originally Posted by 4lyfeman

I feel so defensive about who to talk to now. Instead of freely expressing who I am to others (MGTOW, other stuff) I will deliberately not give any info to anything that is controversial or sensitive.

Well, you should always be discreet with your opinions on religion, politics, and personal philosophy generally. There's many touchy subjects with many folk when you challenge, either explicitly or implicitly, a weltanschauung that is dear to them. Unless you are sure of your audience, you should exercise caution. That may not mean being unsociable - I'm sure you're capable of living within your own head - but it may mean cutting ties with yet more people you may have thought close. This will make you more assertive; practice makes 'perfect'.

If someone has pushed you to that point, they deserve what you dish out. Compare it to physical self defense, you respond with an appropriate level to what someone uses on you. It does take practice and discernment, but it will come with time and just doing it.

I have phone numbers and photos of friends that soured and spoiled, even ripped me off.

I've learned that cutting the ties silently and in the dark of night is the only way to react. I don't delete them, I don't tear up or delete photos, nothing! I enshrine them in time and leave things exactly where they were but frozen in place forever. It gives you the power of suspension without reaction, recourse, or revenge. It's the fastest door to getting on with you life and closing chapters like reading a book, otherwise you mind will be in the wrong place and your emotions sure to follow. I even wish them well in my heart and soul, in so relieving myself the burden of hatred and animosity.

With this method of mental management I soar through life like an eagle, otherwise I'd be a kite tied to a tree being tossed around by life's adversarial winds.

First you would need to decide who of your ''friends'' you want to keep in your life and why.

I did this on my recent journey of becoming a 'ghost'. And exactly what i did, i went ahead and just simply didn't contact them anymore - take a very long to reply (if any reply from my side) remember, there is a reason why you're doing this.

From your story, you seem like a all round nice guy - did you ever try self defense sports like Muay Thai or BJJ?

These sports DO transform you mentally and i highly suggest anyone to try them out. Bonus points are the people in these circles, are pretty fucking cool, and a bunch of red pill dudes are to be found in and around the ring.

I was the ultimate nice guy people pleaser. I let things out but was afraid to ask for them back. I let people shit on me and thought just let it go.

First thing you need to do is set boundaries and stand by them. If someone steps on them then tell them it's not cool. If they start with gaslighting shit like "Whats your problem " or "I was only joking " then tell them to fuck off and then walk away. There is one thing just teasing and saying "Dude. Im sorry. I was only joking " and thats it. There is another thing when they say it while laughing.

Second thing is never give anything unless its a gift. If you lend shit out without it being a gift then you'll never see it again.

Don't listen to anyone else's problems unless they'd listen to you. 99% of people will just tell you thats life grow a pair when you have an issue.

Stop caring what others think. They will try to intimidate and gaslight you but fuck em. They don't pay your bills. I'm the asshole? Yes I am.

Originally Posted by Eddie Willers

Well, you should always be discreet with your opinions on religion, politics, and personal philosophy generally. There's many touchy subjects with many folk when you challenge, either explicitly or implicitly, a weltanschauung that is dear to them. Unless you are sure of your audience, you should exercise caution. That may not mean being unsociable - I'm sure you're capable of living within your own head - but it may mean cutting ties with yet more people you may have thought close. This will make you more assertive; practice makes 'perfect'.

I was going to write a response to 4lyfeman but Eddie's post turns out to be exactly what I would've written as well. Follow this advice and you will not only avoid a ton of headaches, but will also feel very assertive within yourself. In the end, this is about going your own way, not to preach and convert others at the cost of your sanity and well being.

Originally Posted by 4lyfeman

I feel anxiety and reluctance when I have to have to stand for myself, or doing something that makes me appear as not nice. I have befriended many people, and realized several red flags. For example, any friend who takes drugs, no matter if they're "light" or "heavy" drugs is a red flag. I say that because I have had the misfortune of knowing people who took drugs. I also instantly red flag a person who has severe mental health disorders. I am not talking about mild depression, or moodiness, I am talking about paranoia, hallucinations, violence and volatile mood. These people always fuck you over.

I have just severed ties with someone who takes drugs, is a progressive (communist), bashed me for speaking my mind about MGTOW and for literally always talking to me with an attitude. Talking to me like he's morally superior to me because he is blue pilled, etc.

I was blunt and appeared rude. I just told him to never talk to me again, and I deleted him from all of my social media and blocked him.

I appeared so rude, and my heart was pounding (although I obviously didn't display my anxiety to him when I talked to him). It felt so anxiety-inducing to "stand up" for myself. He has done me nothing but talk to an attitude with me, ignore me, acts like I have to agree with everything he says and I always couldn't speak my mind with him.

I feel so defensive about who to talk to now. Instead of freely expressing who I am to others (MGTOW, other stuff) I will deliberately not give any info to anything that is controversial or sensitive.

How to be more assertive?

I'm honestly not sure if I should give my parents (yes, including my mom) credit for this or if I just have a certain type of personality.

But if I truly think I'm right about something, then I dgaf if the ENTIRE WORLD tells me I'm wrong. I'm sticking with what I believe in. No matter what, no apologies, no excuses, no regrets.

If you believe that you're right about something, why should you back down or second-guess yourself? It doesn't make sense to be anxious about something if you sincerely believe that you're right about it.

Having said all that, discretion is usually the better part of valor when it comes to MGTOW. In some ways, we are rebels in our time. So, it doesn't make sense to be too loud or too open about what we believe with outsiders. In the future, hide your power. Don't throw red pills at everybody you meet. It's fine to stand up for what you believe in. But some cases, being vocally MGTOW will only create unnecessary problems and challenges for you.

When you come across an incurable blue pill, it's often better to just leave them be.