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Thread: Joke Time

  1. #181

    Re: Joke Time

    This one is amusing


  2. #182
    Administrator Unboxxed's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time











    Attached Images Attached Images
    The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. - Mark Twain

    The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
    - Henry David Thoreau

    There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Suitable for bookmarking: www.fakehatecrimes.org and www.breitbart.com/tag/hate-crime-hoax

  3. #183
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    Re: Joke Time

    Found this on my hard drive. It's not mine but I did type the message anew onto Craigslist at the time. It got a few laughs before getting deleted.

    Attached Images Attached Images
    The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. - Mark Twain

    The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
    - Henry David Thoreau

    There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Suitable for bookmarking: www.fakehatecrimes.org and www.breitbart.com/tag/hate-crime-hoax

  4. #184
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    Re: Joke Time

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably p****d.
    4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
    5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
    6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
    7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That now makes 1,500 days in a row.
    8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
    The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-O".




    So a guy walks into a bar with a talking dog, immediately the bartender says," hey you can't have that dog in here". The guy says, "no that's a special dog. He talks, he understands everything, he'll do anything you ask him". The bartender says, "really" and the dog says, "sure, you betcha"(obviously from Minnesota) so the bartender says to the dog,"Okay, here's a twenty. Go down to the corner, get me a newspaper and bring me back my change". The dogs says, "sure no problem" and walks out of the bar. Well, he's gone for about 20 minutes and the bartender starts to feel like he's been had, so he and owner go looking for the dog. They get about a half a block away and look down an alley, and sure enough here is the dog, doing the Wild Thing with another dog in the alley, The owner says, "Hey what's with you, you've never done anything like this before!" and the dog replies "that's because I never had the money before."



    A man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
    "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
    "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
    "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
    So the man runs around the next block and faces her again.
    "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
    She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
    So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
    "Nah," says the man... "Costs too much!"



    A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”




    So this farmer after getting a little liquored up one night steps into the bedroom with a chicken under his arm and says ,"you see honey, this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". The wife looks up and says ,"you're drunk, that's not even a pig, it's a chicken". And the farmer says, "hey I wasn't talking to you".
    The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. - Mark Twain

    The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
    - Henry David Thoreau

    There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Suitable for bookmarking: www.fakehatecrimes.org and www.breitbart.com/tag/hate-crime-hoax

  5. #185
    Senior Member Zoidberg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time

    The fox sees the snail rushing out of the forest.

    “What’s up, snail? What’s the big rush?”

    “Haven’t you heard? The IRS is coming to the forest to audit us all!”

    “So?”, asks the fox.

    “So?! I have my own house, my wife has her own house, even my son has his own house. We’ve got to get out of here!”

    After thinking for a moment, the fox starts to bolt. He meets the stork.

    “Hey, fox, what’s the big rush?”, asks the stork.

    “Haven’t you heard? The IRS is coming to the forest to audit us all!”

    “So what?”, asks the stork.

    “So what?! I have expensive fur, my wife has expensive fur, even my son has expensive fur. They are going to jail us.”

    The stork thinks for a moment, and says:

    “Eh, I have nothing to fear. All I have is a nest, covered with feces all the time.”

    Hearing that the snail shouts over to him:

    “Now, now, stork, half a year at home, half a year abroad? And how?!”

  6. #186
    Senior Member MGTOWFOREVER's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time

    Quote Originally Posted by Unboxxed View Post
    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
    Don't be so hard on yourself.

  7. #187
    Senior Member MGTOWFOREVER's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time

    What do you do if your dish washer is broken? Give her a kick in the ass!!

  8. #188
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    Re: Joke Time

    Questions:

    If a member of the British house of lords decides to have a sex change, does he inherit the legal right to be called Lady? Yes? Then what of titles like “Lord of…” or “Earl of…” etc.? Would the Queen of England have to get involved? – “I hereby re-dub thee…”

    The global rate of population growth is now one billion every 12/13 years. Have single moms spitting out thugspawn all over the place no concern at all for the planet?


    Newspaper Agony Aunt Column:

    Dear Deirdre,
    My wife just left me for a 6 foot 5 muscle bound guy called Chad. How do you suggest I thank him?


    Culinary:

    Women are like soya burgers, they often look enticing but when you finally try one it makes you want to throw up.

    Don’t fancy cooking tonight? I recommend the Chinese sweet & sour. It really is the dog’s bollocks.


    On-line dating:

    Yes you’re very beautiful, but when you said on your Tinder profile that you were a very positive type of woman I didn’t think you were talking about H.I.V.


    Medical:


    When visiting your doctor for a prostate exam, if he suddenly proclaims: “Look, no hands” – worry!
    "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." - Benjamin Franklin

  9. #189
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    Re: Joke Time

    Ode to a unicorn:

    This girl she seemed like a loner
    She gave simps one hell of a boner
    She’d take gifts and money
    While she called them honey
    And treated them each like a donor

    This girl was pretty and shy
    With a ‘come to bed’ look in her eye
    The guys bought her drink
    But their hearts would sink
    As they went home lonely to cry

    Finally this woman married
    To a beta that she made sure tarried
    She emptied the bank
    And left him to wank
    Until the day she had him buried

    And all the time she was getting fucked in all three holes by every Chad and Tyrone she could get in her.

    Er, sorry, I couldn’t think of a way to fit that last line into a limerick.

    See, it’s true, we Irish really do have poetry in our souls.
    Last edited by Jackoff; May 27, 2020 at 5:49 PM.
    "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." - Benjamin Franklin

  10. #190
    Senior Member Resdayn's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time

    Unboxxed, I remember that biting joke from Roadhouse, although it was a bit different
    Lord Nerevar Reborn

  11. #191
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    Re: Joke Time

    Quote Originally Posted by Resdayn View Post
    Unboxxed, I remember that biting joke from Roadhouse, although it was a bit different
    ?

    About this?:

    Ode to a unicorn:

    This girl she seemed like a loner
    She gave simps one hell of a boner
    She’d take gifts and money
    While she called them honey
    And treated them each like a donor

    This girl was pretty and shy
    With a ‘come to bed’ look in her eye
    The guys bought her drink
    But their hearts would sink
    As they went home lonely to cry

    Finally this woman married
    To a beta that she made sure tarried
    She emptied the bank
    And left him to wank
    Until the day she had him buried

    And all the time she was getting fucked in all three holes by every Chad and Tyrone she could get in her.

    Er, sorry, I couldn’t think of a way to fit that last line into a limerick.

    See, it’s true, we Irish really do have poetry in our souls.
    All I can say is it is all my own work. No influence from anything else I may have read or heard. A moment of inspiration is all.

    If it resembles another's work, so be it, but I am unaware of it.

    If you or anyone else can find a similar post here or anywhere else I would be very interested in seeing it.
    Last edited by Jackoff; May 28, 2020 at 9:42 PM.
    "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." - Benjamin Franklin

  12. #192
    Administrator Unboxxed's Avatar
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    Re: Joke Time

    Quote Originally Posted by Jackoff View Post
    ?

    About this?:



    All I can say is it is all my own work. No influence from anything else I may have read or heard. A moment of inspiration is all.

    If it resembles another's work, so be it, but I am unaware of it.

    If you or anyone else can find a similar post here or anywhere else I would be very interested in seeing it.
    He should have recapped to eliminate confusion. He's talking about a joke in Post #184.

    Unboxxed, I remember that biting joke from Roadhouse, ...
    Ha, did you think he was reporting you for joke theft? No worries, it's no violation of principles! In fact, none of my jokes here are mine, I'm not that clever.
    The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. - Mark Twain

    The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
    - Henry David Thoreau

    There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    Suitable for bookmarking: www.fakehatecrimes.org and www.breitbart.com/tag/hate-crime-hoax

  13. #193
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    Re: Joke Time

    Quote Originally Posted by Unboxxed View Post
    Ha, did you think he was reporting you for joke theft? No worries, it's no violation of principles! In fact, none of my jokes here are mine, I'm not that clever.
    He he, not at all. I was just really, really curious.
    "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." - Benjamin Franklin

  14. #194

    Re: Joke Time

    A man walks into a bar and sees a horse standing behind a pile of cash.
    Man asks bartender: What's with the horse & money?
    Bartender: We'll if you can make the horse laugh you get to keep it.
    Man makes horse laugh & takes money.

    Years later the man comes back to the same bar & sees a pile of cash in front of the same horse again
    Bartender says if he can make the horse cry the man gets to keep the money.
    Man walks upto horse & makes it cry. As he is about to walk out with the money the bartender stops him.
    Bartender: Hey first you made my horse laugh & then you made him cry, how did you do it!?

    Man says: Years ago I told your horse I have a bigger shwing shwang than him. This time I showed him.


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