Thread: Woman, children, unhappy.

Hello all, I hope you can offer advice.
I believe MGTOW to be a great way of life, however I find myself in a relationship with a woman and we have kids together. Unmarried.

I find this life so depressing, I think it affects my health, and I yearn for my freedom.

I’m not in the situation to go my own way without any baggage attached, if I were to leave I will miss my kids, but living as a family is extremely difficult. I love solitude and quiet, I also like to be spontaneous and do things alone. The way I want to live is affected by this. But it’s not only that, it could be simple things such as sleeping at a time when I would like to, not being woken up, and also not having to constantly assist someone else (no one helps me with anything I do, and that’s fine, I prefer to be self-sufficient).

A few issues I have are:

1 - I wished for my children to have my presence as much as possible. I’m sure by living alone I’ll miss them a lot, but living together with their mum is equally painful.

2 - I don’t feel I want to be married, but she is pushing for this, and I know this entitles her to too much which I am not willing to give up should she one day divorce me, and I’ve heard pre-numptual agreements sometimes are useless.

3 - I do care about the mother of my children and I know she will struggle really badly without me, and this is a difficult thing for me to do to someone.

4 - Even if I go my own way, I think it’s too late and the drama will follow me anyway. She won’t make it a simple life for me.

Any thoughts and suggestions on what I’ve said above would be much appreciated.

Hi,

It might help us to help you if you can provide this detail:

5 - How many children and what ages?

6 - What is your age and your wife's age? You can say, "we are in our 30s" if you don't want to get too detailed.

7 - What country are you in? This can help us to not give you advice you can't use.


Please know, your responses here will not appear immediately when you post them, until a moderator sees them first. I'm about to disappear for about 8 hours so maybe another mod will see your response and let it through. Otherwise, I will look for it tomorrow.

In the mean time, you may see responses from our members before they see your answers to my questions.

And if no one else says it to you: don't get her pregnant again!

Try making a day for yourself every week, where you can escape from the family life you dread so much.

One day out of 7 isn't asking much and it's a good test to see how narcissistic, selfish, and uncaring your woman is.

As for me, I'm 7 days off, 52 weeks a year, but then again, I'm a glutton for freedom!

Assuming you're British, (word mum) now the UK has "no fault" divorce, making marriage just as unattractive and risky as here in the states.

You have kids (you're doused in petrol) marriage is striking a match!

Originally Posted by Unboxxed

Hi,

It might help us to help you if you can provide this detail:

5 - How many children and what ages?

6 - What is your age and your wife's age? You can say, "we are in our 30s" if you don't want to get too detailed.

7 - What country are you in? This can help us to not give you advice you can't use.


Please know, your responses here will not appear immediately when you post them, until a moderator sees them first. I'm about to disappear for about 8 hours so maybe another mod will see your response and let it through. Otherwise, I will look for it tomorrow.

In the mean time, you may see responses from our members before they see your answers to my questions.

And if no one else says it to you: don't get her pregnant again!

5 - both under 5

6 - not married, don’t have a wife, but she’s in 20s I’m in 30s.

7 - UK

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I find this life so depressing, I think it affects my health, and I yearn for my freedom.

This is it right here.

You got into this life because that’s what people do, right?

But once you’re in as deep as yourself it’s a hell of a mess to get out of.

Cutting all ties as far as you can is at least a partial solution, but as you say you are concerned about her welfare and that of your kids. For myself I find this an admirable trait.


But you also have to consider the fact, as you are, that the situation you find yourself in is affecting your wellbeing. If you remain in this situation what impact will this have on your woman, and perhaps more importantly on your kids?


Kids know when things aren’t right. They even blame themselves.

Make things right. If this means stepping away so be it. You’ll be happier, she’ll be happier and the kids will eventually benefit from a happier surround.

I get your dilemma: I made my bed and now I need to sleep in it, but at what cost?

Sometimes it’s better all-round if you just buy another bed.

I'm 40, never married, never having kids, but if I were in your situation, I might just leave her and take the kids with you so you won't miss them, but good riddance to her.

Wish I had the answer unregistered but am afraid I don't.

My cousin, having a bunch of room once, had a party room where children, either theirs or visitors were not allowed. Kids are grown now, and the room is no longer needed, but it served its purpose.

Is there a spare room, garage, or garden shed of some sort you could take over? It wouldn't match living alone but would be far better than nothing. Before my neighbor divorced, he was in his garage if he wasn't eating or sleeping. Not the best choice, but better than setting in the house with someone he no longer loved.

I suppose it looks like a long time to you before your kids are grown, but the years will pass swifter than you think. Long as you don't marry, that is. You can kiss any hope of freedom away if you do that. Taking care of your kid's mother is OK, marrying her is not.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Even if I go my own way, I think it’s too late and the drama will follow me anyway. She won’t make it a simple life for me.

You know what to do and you know what the consequences will be. It's your choice, not ours.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I’m not in the situation to go my own way without any baggage attached, if I were to leave I will miss my kids, but living as a family is extremely difficult. I love solitude and quiet, I also like to be spontaneous and do things alone. The way I want to live is affected by this. But it’s not only that, it could be simple things such as sleeping at a time when I would like to, not being woken up, and also not having to constantly assist someone else (no one helps me with anything I do, and that’s fine, I prefer to be self-sufficient)

1 - I wished for my children to have my presence as much as possible. I’m sure by living alone I’ll miss them a lot, but living together with their mum is equally painful.

I'm getting mixed messages here about your kids.

So, is it having the kids around that is the issue, and having your girlfriend around is not so much the issue?

How long were you with her before she became pregnant with the first one?

Maybe I am assuming something. Did she already have either or both kids when you met her?

Has she ever given you cause to doubt her fidelity? When? Before the kids? Between the kids? Lately?

4 - Even if I go my own way, I think it’s too late and the drama will follow me anyway. She won’t make it a simple life for me.

Why do you say this? She wants you to marry her, yet you say this. How long has she been after you to marry her? What are her stated reasons at this point?

Don't marry or you will be wrapping yourself in more complications. At this point she wants access to your assets, she will call it "security" to make it sound reasonable.

Originally Posted by Unboxxed

Don't marry or you will be wrapping yourself in more complications. At this point she wants access to your assets, she will call it "security" to make it sound reasonable.

'Nuff said.

Not sure how things work in UK, but if he stays, even without marrying, she very well may be entitled to just as much as if they were married when the inevitable breakup / divorce happens.

Think carefully on this. Even if u split with her now, realise the courts will still grant/enforce ,often times most of your income in child support, and the mother most always has 100 % custody of yr kids . . . Now as an unmarried father, what rights, if any do you have over yr kids? ( not familiar with UK laws neither)

Someone mentioned just taking your kids and leaving. Don't do that, you will be up for kidnapping charges and the only time you will ever get to see yr kids will be during supervised visits.

Now of you decide to marry her, well, the guys here have told you what to expect down the road. What are the divorce statistics there? Remember...they apply to you, it's not something that happens to others only.

Advice? Accept that you and this person will separate. Begin to plan.

If it happens while the kids are still kids (likely), and you want to maintain contact with your kids (which of course you do, because you love them), well: my usual advice is to keep a diary of your parenting. If you make dinner for the kids, or drive them to the doctor, write it down. But better advice is: see a divorce lawyer now and ask them what to do. Never mind that you are de-facto. Yes, that complicates things and alters things a bit.

Your other problem is money. Your wife will, of course, attempt to get the court to condemn you to indentured servitude for most of the rest of your life. Again: lawyer now, accountant now. Above all, don't fall into the trap of letting your wife pester you into moving into a bigger/better place. You'll be on the hook to keep her (sorry: the kids, obviously, it's all For The Benefit Of The Child) living in the manner to which she has become accustomed.

I guarantee, guarantee you dude that her plans are well advanced and that her ducks are mostly in a row. Getting married is just putting the noose around your own neck. But it's likely that she's prepared to pull the lever once she's convinced that you aren't going to fall for it.

Thanks for the responses.

Does anyone have any good exit strategies?

I feel there is no way to communicate that I want to leave without a lot of anger or crying.

I don’t really want to see someone cry. I just don’t like it, and also, it may cause me not to follow through.

It doesn’t make sense to say it and then take care of the details, so i’m considering simply moving in to my own place and then dropping the news from there, and then no communication for a while.

In any case, being able to see my kids will need to be resolved after.

What do you guys think. I’m sure there are many people that have gone through this before, and it would be really useful to know how others have resolved this situation.

I’m literally dying living like this. I have to do this, for myself first and foremost before considering anyone else.

Also, I tried to register as 3me or 3_me and it was flagged as spam, if I can be approved to post with that username it would be appreciated.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Also, I tried to register as 3me or 3_me and it was flagged as spam, if I can be approved to post with that username it would be appreciated.

Registered membership is for Men who are Going Their Own Way while you're quite enmeshed. Let's just keep you right here as you figure yourself out and what you want.

I think the middle ground here is to get a remote job that's gonna pay you more and allow you to work for days without going home, a job where you can come home on your terms after a few days. You'll have reduced time with your children but you won't be seeing your common law spouse as much. Your situation is not that bad, so I won't recommend you to do drastic changes. I know you're anticipating the mayhem of cohabitation but you know the stats, kids raised on single mother homes are way more prone to being a criminal, a college dropout and so on. While I don't empathize with women in general, children are another story. I know you're unhappy, but unless you see signs of her cheating or being disrespectful, I don't think it's a good idea to break your family.

Fair enough.

Well I want to be untangled, and GMOY

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Fair enough.

Well I want to be untangled, and GMOY

It is possible that more than one nonmember is posting in this thread (as Unregistered) and we may not always be able to know if it is you or is someone else, unless you uniquely name yourself. Otherwise, one nonmember's post could inadvertently undermine your posts, or at least fracture one's thinking as we go, if we don't know who's talking.

For instance, from a previous post:

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I don't think it's a good idea to break your family.

That statement is a clue that it is not you speaking, but clues may not always be present, or some members may accidentally miss them.



May I suggest two things to use, if you stay posting in his thread?

1) Use Reply With Quote. This ties your response to a particular previous post. As I have done here, above.

If you are not replying to a particular post, still use that button and you can remove the recapped post before you click Submit Reply. Using that button allows the next idea:

2) When clicking on Reply With Quote, you will see a box called "Your Username" containing the default word "Unregistered". You can place your unique username in that box. You may have to do this every time, not sure.

Doing this is not obligatory, but your need seems crucial and miscommunication could be unhelpful.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Well I want to be untangled, and GMOY

Nice thought isn't it.

I don't want to rain on your parade but you're entangled to the hip. There are no Saul Goodmans that can extricate you completely from this. The best you can do is keep this entanglement from rising from your hip to your throat.

Alternatively you can walk away to another country, one where the U.K. (or wherever you are from) has no influence, but this would mean no contact with your kids either, unless you unilaterally decide to take them with you which could land you in jail - you could be deemed a child kidnapper which few countries would tolerate regardless of ties to your home country. Then you would neither have access to your kids nor any sort of freedom to GYOW.

If indeed you are living in the U.K., be thankful for small mercies. The alimony and child support laws can be crippling, but compared to the U.S. (from what I read) you still have a chance to eke out a life for yourself.