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  1. #1

    Uncomfortable situation

    I've read from a few guys here, not to feel sorry for other men who willingly get married or get themselves into the trap.
    But check this one out - So I don't know this guy very well, hes a cool dude, we don't hang out very often. I would sure not mind hanging with him more often though!

    But here is the thing, the other day I was over at his place and we were just BSing, his "fiance" comes out with a timer and says, " the timer is going off". (Ok weird...) He says, well I gotta go finish making dinner. He then says hey, I have a quick question. I wanted to know if you would be a groomsman in my wedding....

    I was in shock... I don't know him well. Nor do I believe in marriage. And after already witnessing the warning signs. IE- (Times up! get your ass in here. Your done talking to your male friend ) and many other huge red flags, this guy is going to be completely miserable very shortly.

    I regrettably said yes. I plan to have a conversation with him about all of this, for so many reasons I dont want to be a groomsman in his wedding... I was a bit caught off guard, because his questions usually revolve around dude stuff, ( want to go fishing friday? Want to head out the the woods tomorrow?) This one I was not expecting... I think my long silence after he asked pretty much explained how I felt. Although I could see he was very nervous about asking me such a thing, I think he should have read my hesitation, and said " Hey man, just get back to me about it later".

    Like I said though, I like this guy... He could be even cooler if he saw that he is making a huge mistake. Imagine all the fishing and hunting trips we could go on! haha

    ( I understand if you guys think I dropped the ball, I'm not going to do this groomsman thing, I was simply caught off guard.) It happens...
    Last edited by Doomsday cult leader; August 29, 2022 at 12:55 AM.

  2. #2
    Administrator Unboxxed's Avatar
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Doomsday cult leader View Post
    his questions usually revolve around dude stuff, ( want to go fishing friday? Want to head out the the woods tomorrow?)
    You like him because you see how much he likes you? Maybe he sees you as his only/best counterbalance to what she represents.
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    I'd be relucent to go back on my word, even though I'd hate doing a wedding as much as anybody. Looks like you're screwed no matter what you do. How much work is it being a groomsman? Does it take a lot of time or some new glad rags? If it's not too much trouble it might be better to go through with it. Not keeping your word is kind of a dick move.
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Doomsday cult leader View Post
    ( I understand if you guys think I dropped the ball, I'm not going to do this groomsman thing, I was simply caught off guard.) It happens...
    I don't think you dropped the ball. Remember you can not RP him, she has to do that. If you try, you will only alienate yourself from him.

    The chances of being his close friend, him married and you single, is slim, but it does happen. He/they would likely continually try to hook you up with one of her friends so you could join their circle.

    He has chosen a different path for his life than you have. If he can't see where his life is headed, you will never be able to tell him. His bride will likely show him in time, that is when he will need you as a friend.

  5. #5

    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by RustyNuts View Post
    I don't think you dropped the ball. Remember you can not RP him, she has to do that. If you try, you will only alienate yourself from him.

    The chances of being his close friend, him married and you single, is slim, but it does happen. He/they would likely continually try to hook you up with one of her friends so you could join their circle.

    He has chosen a different path for his life than you have. If he can't see where his life is headed, you will never be able to tell him. His bride will likely show him in time, that is when he will need you as a friend.
    Well said Rusty. I have not tried to RP him at all. And YES your spot on. He already tried to throw the "oh, maybe you will meet someone at the wedding." I just laughed lol

  6. #6

    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    So a couple of things here. One, that situation over his house sounded awkward as hell. If he knew he had to make dinner at a certain time, he should have planned to talk with you at a different time, however, it's just as likely that he isn't used to how controlling and demeaning his new fiance can be. Your friend was likely nervous about asking you to be in his wedding because he probably doesn't have that many close friends. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's the likely situation.

    Since you already agreed to go to his wedding, I would see this commitment through. Your friend is a blue pulled man and is going to follow the common life script untill it becomes to big of burden and he realizes his reality has been a fabrication. You also have to accept that your friendship with him will likely suffer over the coming years as she begins to control who he spends time with. Since you're a non married man, she will never trust her husband to go out alone with you. The best thing you can do as a true friend is be there for him when reality inevitably smacks him in the face because it sounds like he still has a long way to fall.

  7. #7

    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    I keep my word. But here is the thing guys, I dont even know this guy very well. I've only hung out with him maybe a dozen times. I dont think hanging out a dozen times qualifies to being in a wedding. Ive only met his fiance one time. Seems like a pretty invested position, not to mention i think hes making a mistake.

    That was responding to frogs comment.

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    I no longer believe in that chivalrous my word is my bond, if I was cornered into something I really didn't want to do, especially by two unknowns, one who makes the other respond to a timer, and the other who may or may not be unaware that he basically put a timer on you in that very moment.

    So what, if you were not herculean enough to think very quickly in that pressured moment, or to know exactly what to say to honor yourself fairly? So what? So, okay, you are imperfect! They certainly showed you their imperfections in what happened. Don't be afraid to now show them yours.


    If I really didn't want to do it, I could see me talking to the guy, painting exactly the picture of what happened to me when I mistakenly said Yes:

    "I know I said I'd be your best man but I was taken by the surprise of it, seeing how we don't know each other that well and felt pressured by your need for a fast answer because her timer had gone off and I felt ambushed to say something and it felt really weird..."

    Unless I was planning to go ahead to be his best man then I wouldn't say any of that.

    I dont even know this guy very well. I've only hung out with him maybe a dozen times. I dont think hanging out a dozen times qualifies to being in a wedding. Ive only met his fiance one time.
    Actually, then that is what you say. Pretty as it ain't, that is what you say. The truth. Ask if you are his only friend, see what he says. You gotta do right by yourself, even in tough situations, if your gut isn't going to reconcile with this. I've returned to situations and explained my honest feelings if I think a situation didn't go right. I never know which way things will go next, but I gotta get it out versus carrying it around with me. That crap will come back around and bite ya.

    The way out is always through. He's not going to crumble if he has to ask another guy. It happens.
    The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. - Mark Twain

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  9. #9

    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Actually, then that is what you say. Pretty as it ain't, that is what you say. The truth. Ask if you are his only friend, see what he says. You gotta do right by yourself, even in tough situations, if your gut isn't going to reconcile with this. I've returned to situations and explained my honest feelings if I think a situation didn't go right. I never know which way things will go next, but I gotta get it out versus carrying it around with me. That crap will come back around and bite ya.

    The way out is always through. He's not going to crumble if he has to ask another guy. It happens.
    Unboxxed, you have a straight forward way of putting things. I really appreciate that.
    After some thinking about this whole thing, Im going to explain it to him like what you said above.

    I really do not want to do this, and plan to talk to him very soon about it. Hes a grown man, and should understand.

  10. #10
    Super Moderator Mr Wombat's Avatar
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    If you are going to reconsider and refuse, refuse quickly. Don't leave it hanging until 2 weeks before the wedding.

    Incidentally, that kind of controlling behaviour is domestic abuse. Your friend is an abused person living with an abuser.
    Last edited by Mr Wombat; August 29, 2022 at 9:39 AM.

  11. #11
    Senior Member mgtower's Avatar
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Spare him nothing! He's going to be nobody's friend after marriage and the woman he's lawfully enjoined to cocoon him for extraction!

    Being best man is kin to holding open the gates of hell for him!

    Not only cancel the whole thing but tell him he's diving in a lake of invisible fire that he doesn't see but you do. Then if he goes through with his own execution you lost a friend that was gonna be lost anyway, but the seeds of truth will be planted and grow with each and every moment of misery he endures!

    I'd rather have them hate me now and respect me later, rather than help poison his life and never see it coming!

    Buy him a fire extinguisher and a 1st-aid kit for a wedding gift!

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Wombat View Post
    If you are going to reconsider and refuse, refuse quickly. Don't leave it hanging until 2 weeks before the wedding.

    Incidentally, that kind of controlling behaviour is domestic abuse. Your friend is an abused person living with an abuser.
    This is probably the way to go. I assumed you were better friends, if you're not that tight and get back to him quickly you'll be ok.

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  13. #13

    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Unboxxed View Post
    I no longer believe in that chivalrous my word is my bond, if I was cornered into something I really didn't want to do, especially by two unknowns, one who makes the other respond to a timer, and the other who may or may not be unaware that he basically put a timer on you in that very moment.
    Yeah, the whole 'my word is my bond' thing applies when both parties are acting in good faith, but when one is using guilt, fear, a misplaced sense of obligation or other manipulative tactics (such as the time pressure trick), then I wouldn't feel too bad about changing my mind. If two people can go to the altar and vow to be together through better and worse etc etc., but then get divorced, I don't see why it's so frowned upon to change you mind about less serious things.

    Probably the most useful phrase I have ever learnt is "I'll need time to think about it." If somebody gets the shits at you for wanting to think about what could be a major decision for you, then the problem rests with them, not you. Only idiots jump into things without doing the research first.

    As for the groom that is the topic of the discussion, I'd just attend the wedding if it's not too onerous. I wouldn't offer up any opinion about the union, there is never any benefit to you by giving an unsolicited opinion, and rarely any benefit to giving an opinion that has been asked for.

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by thenamelessone View Post
    Probably the most useful phrase I have ever learnt is "I'll need time to think about it."
    Agreed. I have a friend who is always asking me to do things, some for him some with him. It really used to piss me off, now a part of me is thankful for this this because when anyone asks me to do anything now this is the first thought to come to mind.

    It can be a really useful tool to get yourself out of a situation as it gives you time to come with an appropriate response that won't start a feud.
    Last edited by Jackoff; August 29, 2022 at 3:01 PM.

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Doomsday cult leader View Post
    I regrettably said yes.

    ...

    This one I was not expecting
    You were caught off guard. It happens.

    Personally it wouldn't bother me that much to go ahead with it. Yes it's against everything I believe, but, this point aside, if I otherwise respected the guy I'd probably put his right to choose his own destiny above my own beliefs. My beliefs on the subject are for me to follow, not to try to impose them in any way. In this way people can be none the wiser about your views. Ghosting in plain sight.

    You obviously feel otherwise, that you would maybe be betraying your own views? Then you can get out of it and it probably won't be a huge deal for him. One less groomsman at his wedding won't ruin the day.

  16. #16
    Administrator jagrmeister's Avatar
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Jackoff View Post
    You were caught off guard. It happens.

    Personally it wouldn't bother me that much to go ahead with it. Yes it's against everything I believe, but, this point aside, if I otherwise respected the guy I'd probably put his right to choose his own destiny above my own beliefs. My beliefs on the subject are for me to follow, not to try to impose them in any way. In this way people can be none the wiser about your views. Ghosting in plain sight.

    You obviously feel otherwise, that you would maybe be betraying your own views? Then you can get out of it and it probably won't be a huge deal for him. One less groomsman at his wedding won't ruin the day.
    I tend to agree with this. We have decided marriage isn't right for us, that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't right for others. More to the point, I'm not sure I would impose my own views of what a man should do as far as relationships on someone else.

    It'd be different if you knew the guy well for years and were close friends. Otherwise, to give him the spiel this late in the game that marriage....... not sure how that would go. If it's simply a matter of 'i don't like weddings, i'm not close to this guy' - that's different; you reserve the right to be honest with him about it, after thinking on it further.

    This is interesting because he realized he doesn't have enough friends to be groomsmen. I'm sure his wife is hassling him about it, and he feels pressure to have people to match the bridesmaids.

    Very common for men in this day and age when men are, for some reason, not even socializing with other men. And women have lots of "friends" - meaning acquaintances that don't mind being a bridesmaid, no matter how shallow the friendship, because they become center of attention.

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    Senior Member mgtower's Avatar
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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    This will never be my situation, I swore off weddings and that's what I tell people, if they want to be inquisitive, then by all means the truth spillith over in a monsoon of gathered and experienced knowledge!

    I don't go to satanic rituals, opium dens, orgies, and state fostered and controlled wedding marriages.

    Holy matrimony? More by far more like unholy matrimony!

    I now pronounce you neck and boot!


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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Ive been the groomsman for couple of weddings for highschool friends. Even if im against it i make sure i remain good friend with them wishing them the best and letting them know i'll still be there when its all over.

    One thing for sure a refused to them was to be the sponsor/godfather for their kids. Nope couldnt do that. Those 2 highscool friends have 4 kids each and one of those i absolutly hate his wife. She became a stay home mom as soon as they got maried and now keep treathening him of divorce raping him. She gave some red flags when i was around and i suspect her to cheat when he leaves for work and leave the kids at kindergarden(yes a stay home mom that leaves the kids at the kindergarden, you read that right.) Everytime she gives him red flags he brushes it off. Total miserable. Cant see his friends because she always as something planned for the family. I think deep down he knows that way i refused to be sponsor/godfather for is latest kid it was a message of me disaproving what their relationship as become.

    As i said, i'll be there for him when its all over.

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    Ever noticed in wedding photos the bride has a very aware look on her face and in her eyes whilst the groom is more like a deer in the headlights?


    https://www.google.com/search?q=wedd...atq14B4VopFivM

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    Re: Uncomfortable situation

    I've noticed during the internet era, people seem inclined to ask for favors and help from casual friends/acquaintances. Maybe it's because they have 3458 Facebook friends, but very few sources of support "in real life". I've had it happen many times over the past 20 years. Someone I barely know all of a sudden wants help moving or rides to the airport.

    And as salespeople and marketers know, people typically respond "Yes" to requests. Salespeople are even trained to ask customers a series of yes questions, leading up to the big close of the sale. In this situation you have a new friend asking some simple questions: "Do you want to go fishing?" "Yes" "Do you want to hang out this weekend" "Yes" "Would you participate in my wedding" "Yes" Uh-oh. Wait a minute, this one requires more thought.

    So, there's nothing wrong with thinking it through and backing out. In my day-to-day life, I've gotten much more discerning about saying yes to requests. I'm willing to make efforts to help out my fellow humankind even when I don't know them well or have any expectation of reciprocity, but there's a line where it crosses into exploitation. They want a ride to the airport; we have a very functional public transit system they can use and not blow 3 hours of my time.

    As for trying to inject any MGTOWish sentiment into the overall situation, I wouldn't go there. It looks like the ship has already left the dock. Now the guy is going to have to learn his own lessons.


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