Thread: The Bad News Since My Dad's Passing Never Wants To End

First off, I have to talk to my aunt about something my mother told me today. If what my mom is telling me is true and not just some scheme to get me to move in with her and she takes over my life, it looks like my house will not be saved after all. The debt is too high on the mortgage from what I'll be getting from the estate. Now my mom is forcing me to make a choice (like it's just that easy on the spot) if I should move to an apartment, or move in with her, which she sounds like she is leaning towards. I don't want to move in with her, because life for me would be much worst than it already is. I have until mid December to come to terms that I will lose my dad's house on top of losing my dad 3 months ago. I'm now looking for houses and a Cooperative in my area that I hopefully can afford if it means avoiding living with my nagging mother.

And to add more bad news, I was also told my last grandfather died recently at the age of 95.

So let's recap on all that has happened lately that isn't good:
1. My dad passed away - August 6
2. I got emotional on my birthday and on his would-of-been birthday
3. The election didn't turn out the way I expected
4. My nag of a mother won't leave me the hell alone
5. I might be losing my house in a month
6. And my grandfather died

2022 will go down as my worst year, because bad things just don't want to stop coming. It's been a brutal year.

Originally Posted by ResidentEvil7

First off, I have to talk to my aunt about something my mother told me today. If what my mom is telling me is true and not just some scheme to get me to move in with her and she takes over my life, it looks like my house will not be saved after all. The debt is too high on the mortgage from what I'll be getting from the estate. Now my mom is forcing me to make a choice (like it's just that easy on the spot) if I should move to an apartment, or move in with her, which she sounds like she is leaning towards. I don't want to move in with her, because life for me would be much worst than it already is. I have until mid December to come to terms that I will lose my dad's house on top of losing my dad 3 months ago. I'm now looking for houses and a Cooperative in my area that I hopefully can afford if it means avoiding living with my nagging mother.

And to add more bad news, I was also told my last grandfather died recently at the age of 95.

So let's recap on all that has happened lately that isn't good:
1. My dad passed away - August 6
2. I got emotional on my birthday and on his would-of-been birthday
3. The election didn't turn out the way I expected
4. My nag of a mother won't leave me the hell alone
5. I might be losing my house in a month
6. And my grandfather died

2022 will go down as my worst year, because bad things just don't want to stop coming. It's been a brutal year.

Hang in there brother. Life is tough sometimes. Just remember this moment isn’t your life. It’s just your life situation at the moment. This to shall pass. You’ll be stronger on the other side of it as well.

Man, it's really rough when someone dies. Then to have a bunch of other bad stuff pile on top of that makes it even tougher. You've got your MGTOW brothers here to help you through. Pretty much every man here has been through some really rough things.

Remember that you cannot control all of the circumstances around you, but you can always control your response to them. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I have found it really helpful to write down all my favorite memories of the person who has passed. It also helps to talk to someone you trust about the person. It's preferred for it to be someone who also knew the person, but that's not an absolute requirement. I've found these two things have helped me to get through someone's death and to stay grounded.

My sympathies for having a mountain of shit going on.

This won’t help, but at least getting all the shut at once is better than having it drag on year after year after year.

It’s like would you rather get your ass beat daily or have one big smack down day and nothing for the rest of the days?

I’m good conversation at funerals I’m told.

Originally Posted by ResidentEvil7

If what my mom is telling me is true and not just some scheme

You can eliminate this possibility by demanding to see the paperwork that she is looking at to have made this determination. You are, what, 40 years old. She can treat you like an adult and show you what she has. On an important step like this, you have every right to see the details.

She should include you much further than she apparently has, for you to have this suspicion. Now is the time to lean-in and get involved, friend.

If you fear that this will upset her, well there is a time for complete capitulation and also a time for getting in there and asserting yourself on matters than have more consequence for you than for her or for anyone else. With the latter, you'll feel better, more in control of your life, even if the outcome is the same.

Originally Posted by Unboxxed

You can eliminate this possibility by demanding to see the paperwork that she is looking at to have made this determination. You are, what, 40 years old. She can treat you like an adult and show you what she has. On an important step like this, you have every right to see the details.

She should include you much further than she apparently has, for you to have this suspicion. Now is the time to lean-in and get involved, friend.

If you fear that this will upset her, well there is a time for complete capitulation and also a time for getting in there and asserting yourself on matters than have more consequence for you than for her or for anyone else. With the latter, you'll feel better, more in control of your life, even if the outcome is the same.

Unboxxed, as usual, provides some sound advice. Is your mom the executrix of the estate? If not, you need to talk directly with the executor/executrix. Is there an estate attorney involved? That would be someone else to contact.
Maybe she's giving you accurate information. But maybe not.
Inheritance issues are notoriously shady and once that shit is closed down, you're gonna be screwed.

I'm sorry for your loss and then this situation on top of it. You can get through it but it's important to keep your head in the game and don't let anyone take advantage of you no matter how much they claim they are looking out for your best interests.

Originally Posted by Unboxxed

You can eliminate this possibility by demanding to see the paperwork that she is looking at to have made this determination. You are, what, 40 years old. She can treat you like an adult and show you what she has. On an important step like this, you have every right to see the details.

She should include you much further than she apparently has, for you to have this suspicion. Now is the time to lean-in and get involved, friend.

If you fear that this will upset her, well there is a time for complete capitulation and also a time for getting in there and asserting yourself on matters than have more consequence for you than for than her or for anyone else. With the latter, you'll feel better, more in control of your life, even if the outcome is the same.

My mom doesn't have any paperwork; my aunt does. My aunt has been taking care of the household expenses for the past several months.

My mom called Wednesday using a stern upset voice when she asked me about coming over for Thanksgiving and I didn't have an answer for her. She got upset saying "what is holding you back from choosing at this point?! You're being really unfair to me! Sometimes I feel you don't want me in your life! Your grandfather when he was alive pulled the same thing and I find that treating me poorly!" NAG NAG NAG! Then she calls me today with that same shrill aggressive voice telling me I have to sell my house and have the choice of moving in with her by mid December. I haven't talked to my aunt about this yet (I will in about an hour or so), but my mom said that she's not communicating well with her but talked about the house in a text message. I'm thinking; why would my aunt talk to my mom about something THIS important with her in a text but not me yet, and if fate says I'm going to lose the house, then why would my aunt keep paying into it? I mean why would anyone pay (even to help out) for another person's house if they're destined to lose it? It makes no sense. Maybe my mom is telling me the truth, I don't know, but for what it seems like now, she's just scheming again to manipulate me into going with her, which I don't want, because she's very difficult to deal with.

I talked to a friend about this for an hour and I tried again to get him to move in with me while I go back to looking for work while I live on my inheritance, but he still won't give me a yes or no answer. He keeps saying that he's in the middle of the pie between this and living with his parents. I want to save my house, even if it means working, living on inheritance and hopefully having my buddy living with me.

My mom just called while typing this message and my aunt will come over this weekend to talk about what's going on, but it looks like my dad put a second mortgage on this house and the debts are way too high for me to be able to keep it.

Why is life so brutal?

Originally Posted by ResidentEvil7

My mom doesn't have any paperwork; my aunt does. My aunt has been taking care of the household expenses for the past several months.

My mom called Wednesday using a stern upset voice when she asked me about coming over for Thanksgiving and I didn't have an answer for her. She got upset saying "what is holding you back from choosing at this point?! You're being really unfair to me! Sometimes I feel you don't want me in your life! Your grandfather when he was alive pulled the same thing and I find that treating me poorly!" NAG NAG NAG! Then she calls me today with that same shrill aggressive voice telling me I have to sell my house and have the choice of moving in with her by mid December. I haven't talked to my aunt about this yet (I will in about an hour or so), but my mom said that she's not communicating well with her but talked about the house in a text message. I'm thinking; why would my aunt talk to my mom about something THIS important with her in a text but not me yet, and if fate says I'm going to lose the house, then why would my aunt keep paying into it? I mean why would anyone pay (even to help out) for another person's house if they're destined to lose it? It makes no sense. Maybe my mom is telling me the truth, I don't know, but for what it seems like now, she's just scheming again to manipulate me into going with her, which I don't want, because she's very difficult to deal with.

I talked to a friend about this for an hour and I tried again to get him to move in with me while I go back to looking for work while I live on my inheritance, but he still won't give me a yes or no answer. He keeps saying that he's in the middle of the pie between this and living with his parents. I want to save my house, even if it means working, living on inheritance and hopefully having my buddy living with me.

Good thinking.

You are motivated. Hopefully, your aunt will see this in you, when you talk to her. I hope you can make this work.

Hang in there brother, try to work something out with your aunt so you can keep your house. whatever you do, if possible, dont live with your negosaurus mom. seems like she doesnt have any business with you besides you being her personal-emotional tampon.

if the debt is too high, you unfortunately need to cut ties with the house. that sucks but its not the end of the world. try to rent something if needed.

Man you’re getting it rough. My sympathies.

As Tig says though many of us have had our really tough times and have come out the other end stronger for the experience. You will too.

You feel that your mother is pressuring you into moving in with her. Take this as a positive. At least you have that option, many of us no longer have such options.

As for her taking over your life, believe me when I say I understand what you mean. My work exposes me to the unfair treatment that autistic people are subjected to, like you are incapable of making your own choices in life. Am I close with this observation?

All this said, practicalities are paramount. If the estate is not fully covered by insurance and you are unable to gain employment such that you can cover the required repayments on multiple mortgages then your life is going to change.

Your mother, your aunt and your friend are there to help, be thankful for this, but they aren’t miracle workers, they cannot make your financial issues just disappear.

But they are there to catch you and care for you should things go awry.

Be thankful that you are so beloved and have such people in your life.

Originally Posted by ResidentEvil7

would-of-been

*would have been or would've been

Sorry for your loss. Keep going.

ResidentEvil7, if the estate is in probate, the executor or lawyer involved should have the straight scoop about the mortgage and whether your nasty mother's claim is true. (The fly in the ointment would be if she has a direct claim on the house.) You should discuss the situation with that executor or lawyer.

Also, the Garn–St. Germaine Act, passed in 1982, allows an heir or surviving spouse to assume the mortgage payments and the lender cannot foreclose. The key is that the mortgage payments must be current or quickly made current. If no one takes over the mortgage payments or the estate doesn't pay off the note, the lender is free to foreclose. Presumably you could take over the mortgage payments if you're able, live in the house, and not have to take in your mother.

You need to talk to professionals. Don't take family members' word for anything.

Sorry to hear your going through this, keep going strong, hopefully you can keep the house, as K-Dog says talk to the professionals, not family, sounds like your mom and aunt are trying to sabotage stuff for you.

Well there's no easy way to say this, and I feel like shit saying this, but I had my aunt over yesterday and there's zero chance to save the house. If I were to pay off all the money I have or will be getting after it's all said and done, I'll still have to owe over $40K on the mortgage plus utilities and taxes. So the debt is too high for me being able to pay it off. My aunt will put the house up for sale some time next month. I will be leaving in a few weeks to live in a coach house in a separate structure above my mom's garage. I'm not crazy about it, but I have no choice; I can't afford to live here and if I were to get a job, that'll wipe out my benefits and I'll be paying top dollar for everything I'm getting paid for by the state (medical, medications, phone, SNAP, SSI and assistance). Luckily, my mom isn't requiring me to get a job and pay for expenses and she's hinting that my best friend can come with me rent- job-free if he wants to.

This hasn't been easy since I was told about this major change and I don't take change very well having Asperger's. I'm crying while I type this, because I lost my dad, I just lost my grandpa and now I'm about to lose my house of almost 20 years. I was so happy living here in my man caves; I was happy, secure and comfortable for 20 years and it's about to end.

I miss my dad very much; I want him back.

I'm sorry about all the emotions here; it's just I'm not ready for this and it's happening too fast and I don't know of any strong way to handle it. My aunt even cried a few times yesterday, because my dad was his brother and now she's going to have to sell everything of his in the estate and give me the money and my dad had nice stuff.

I'll still be here on MGTOW even after I make the move. I'm not going to lose my MGTOW friends on top of all else I'm losing.

Originally Posted by ResidentEvil7

Well there's no easy way to say this, and I feel like shit saying this, but I had my aunt over yesterday and there's zero chance to save the house. If I were to pay off all the money I have or will be getting after it's all said and done, I'll still have to owe over $40K on the mortgage plus utilities and taxes. So the debt is too high for me being able to pay it off. My aunt will put the house up for sale some time next month. I will be leaving in a few weeks to live in a coach house in a separate structure above my mom's garage. I'm not crazy about it, but I have no choice; I can't afford to live here and if I were to get a job, that'll wipe out my benefits and I'll be paying top dollar for everything I'm getting paid for by the state (medical, medications, phone, SNAP, SSI and assistance). Luckily, my mom isn't requiring me to get a job and pay for expenses and she's hinting that my best friend can come with me rent- job-free if he wants to.

This hasn't been easy since I was told about this major change and I don't take change very well having Asperger's. I'm crying while I type this, because I lost my dad, I just lost my grandpa and now I'm about to lose my house of almost 20 years. I was so happy living here in my man caves; I was happy, secure and comfortable for 20 years and it's about to end.

I miss my dad very much; I want him back.

I'm sorry about all the emotions here; it's just I'm not ready for this and it's happening too fast and I don't know of any strong way to handle it. My aunt even cried a few times yesterday, because my dad was his brother and now she's going to have to sell everything of his in the estate and give me the money and my dad had nice stuff.

I'll still be here on MGTOW even after I make the move. I'm not going to lose my MGTOW friends on top of all else I'm losing.

You'll be loosing all the stress once you settle in. I'll never stop missing my loved ones that passed, but I must admit the pain has subsided and I'm sure it will for you. Just keep looking forward, not backwards, time cannot rewind, therefore no sense in wishing it did. Memories are meant to be cherished, not relived, we can't go back, only forward. Sounds like cool crib in a garage loft, just like the Fonz!

Gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
It's a shame not being able to keep the place, and all over 40,000, which really isn't much to pay off.

I suppose there's no way to refinance this?
40,000 on a 30 yr mortgage would amount to around 600/month including taxes and insurance.
You can't even rent something down there for double that.

I don't know your financials so I'm really in no position to give advice, just observations.
Just 2400/month take home pay would have you in a good position,
2000/month would be do-able,
1800/month take home would be bare minimum.

Again, just my observations, FWIW.
Good luck and God Bless.

I'm so sorry to hear of this news and I feel for you and you situation. My quick mind does its thing and thinks up ideas that I hesitate to run by you if the die has already been cast, but perhaps you will permit me to mention them? You mention the house in terms of "paying it off" as if a lump sum is the only option.

What about financing a new mortgage if you cannot assume your dad's mortgage?

I got out my handy Amortization Tables book and looked up how much the Principle and Interest would be on a 30-year mortgage for $40k at, say, 7% interest and it comes to $266.13 a month. A 20-year mortgage at 7% would be $310.12 P&I per month. A 15-year mortgage is $359.54 P&I per month. Are any of these amounts something that your buddy could afford as a roommate, revised upwards to cover taxes and insurance? In other words, carry a mortgage instead of paying the house off?

Of course, you cannot afford to lose the benefits you have and I cannot know from here if having a house as an asset or if having the rent money flow through you would qualify as enough income to disqualify you from any these benefits. Can you inquire of this to your aunt for a way to do it with a mortgage while keeping your benefits and, ahem, also ask if she or another family member would be willing to carry the mortgage? That's two separate questions, realize, and the second one can be a big ask, depending on one's family and circumstances, but I've seen it done in families. Houses only appreciate in value.

I'm just trying to think of ideas that I have not heard you discuss (I don't think) and I hope I am not out-of-line here to suggest them at this time.

My guess is that the benefits people allow recipients to pay market-rate rents while staying on benefits so couldn't you pay a small mortgage amount and keep your benefits?

Hi RE - I was in the mortgage/financing business for a few decades - I'd like to offer some advice or simply concur on the solutions given above, but details provided just aren't enough at this point.

Of course it seems that holding a $40K mortgage is fairly doable and small - but I get the impression that $40K is what would be outstanding even after the house is sold and all other debts are paid off - meaning you have far more than that to try and carry and it isn't as straightforward as just paying a $40K mortgage.

As this is a public forum, I can understand withholding most details - not sure if the mods have a way for us to communicate in private where you are able to disclose things like value of the home, total outstanding debts related to that and the estate etc. With that info I may be able to suggest solutions that aren't evident right now.

Barring that, and as a matter of course I would also suggest you seek outside, (ie not your aunt or mom), professional advice if you are able to (ie accountant/estate lawyer, banker) - someone who can take a look at the situation who has the necessary expertise.

Originally Posted by KRFJames

not sure if the mods have a way for us to communicate in private

Private Messaging. You can click on a member' username on the left side of his post and a small menu should appear, one of which says "Private Message".

Originally Posted by Unboxxed

You mention the house in terms of "paying it off" as if a lump sum is the only option.

What about financing a new mortgage if you cannot assume your dad's mortgage?

I got out my handy Amortization Tables book and looked up how much the Principle and Interest would be on a 30-year mortgage for $40k at, say, 7% interest and it comes to $266.13 a month. A 20-year mortgage at 7% would be $310.12 P&I per month. A 15-year mortgage is $359.54 P&I per month. Are any of these amounts something that your buddy could afford as a roommate, revised upwards to cover taxes and insurance? In other words, carry a mortgage instead of paying the house off?

Of course, you cannot afford to lose the benefits you have and I cannot know from here if having a house as an asset or if having the rent money flow through you would qualify as enough income to disqualify you from any these benefits. Can you inquire of this to your aunt for a way to do it with a mortgage while keeping your benefits and, ahem, also ask if she or another family member would be willing to carry the mortgage? That's two separate questions, realize, and the second one can be a big ask, depending on one's family and circumstances, but I've seen it done in families. Houses only appreciate in value.

I'm just trying to think of ideas that I have not heard you discuss (I don't think) and I hope I am not out-of-line here to suggest them at this time.

My guess is that the benefits people allow recipients to pay market-rate rents while staying on benefits so couldn't you pay a small mortgage amount and keep your benefits?

I'm going to talk to my aunt about your ideas tomorrow, because I like it. I emailed my best friend yours and Northwoods Hermit's post. I called him to tell him the email and I'm having him read both your posts. I talked to him and he's now pushing your idea and get me to make a "slam dunk" as he put it and have me talk to my aunt about it, which I'll do tomorrow.

The thing that's holding me down is that I'm not working, which I'll work on tooth and nail to get a job if there's any hope of keeping my house. We have a 2 Jewel-Osco grocery stores, an Aldi, a Target, a Wal-Mart (which I came REAL close to getting a job 3 years ago as a cart attendant) and so many retail and restaurants nearby. After talking to my buddy, he's starting to shift the idea I gave him to move out here to my side, but I will need a job. If I get a part-time job, where I make under $2,000 in a month (if I make more than that in a month, I'll have to report it to SSI), I can keep my SSI, my SNAP benefits, Medicaid and my Safe Link Wireless (which is an iPhone that I can only get if I have benefits). Good thing that all these jobs are in walking or bike riding distance of my house. So even if it snows, I can still bike ride there, which I prefer over driving in the snow, because I get snow anxiety during the winter. If it's cold, but not snowing or icing I can still drive where I'll have a heater.

Good news is my aunt is going to make sure I can keep my dad's Subaru Outback, which is a MUCH newer car than mine.

I will talk with my aunt about your guy's solutions and see what she thinks. If she's against it, then I'll tell her that I can make payments now, get a job and in a short time after, THEN put the lump sum into the mortgage and then follow through on your ideas. The thing is, I wish interest rates were back to when my dad financed the house back when it was at record lows and I wish the taxes in this town weren't so high ($7,000 about each year).

I really want to thank you guys for helping me save mine and my dad's house with your ideas. I really all honestly appreciate it. Thanks a million.