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  1. #1

    Recently Separated

    Been a lurker for years brothers. I married 5 years ago and my wife recently decided to leave me. I tried my best to keep the marriage together for the sake of our kids, but she recently got a new job and decided to leave.

    I will have 50/50 custody and will miss my kids when I don't have them. But I am free.

    All the jokes about marriage are true. So very happy to be going my own way.

    This community got me through some tough times. Thank you for reminding men that they are complete as individuals. Marriage was the loneliest place on earth

  2. #2

    Re: Recently Separated

    Welcome to your freedom.

  3. #3
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    Re: Recently Separated

    I was a child of divorce and I saw how destructive it was especially for my father. Both emotionally and financially, I don't think he ever really recovered. It set the scene for me in later life.

    Hope things settle down for you.

  4. #4

    Re: Recently Separated

    2 truths:

    1) Her ability to harm your happiness has peaked. Her ability to cause damage to your happiness will only continue to decrease from this point.

    2) You are still alive, and still able to build happiness for yourself

    Do the math on this, and proceed forward with your life.

  5. #5

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BrainPilot View Post
    2 truths:

    1) Her ability to harm your happiness has peaked. Her ability to cause damage to your happiness will only continue to decrease from this point.

    2) You are still alive, and still able to build happiness for yourself

    Do the math on this, and proceed forward with your life.
    Very logical and soothing words. She snapped at me yesterday and I gave no reaction. She is getting frazzled because reality is starting to crush down on her. Best of luck

  6. #6
    Senior Member mgtower's Avatar
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    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by ElsinoreBrewery View Post
    Very logical and soothing words. She snapped at me yesterday and I gave no reaction. She is getting frazzled because reality is starting to crush down on her. Best of luck
    Clinton was president that last time a woman raddled my cage, after that, it's been emotional silence without strife, misdirection, and heart felt misery.

    My point is time and distance, the greater the time and distance you put between yourself and the fallacy of happiness with women, the more secure and confident you become. It's as if you're looking back at time spent in an insane asylum trying to bring sanity to the insane.

    Insanity has a way of rubbing off until the insane are extracted from your existence.

    You're on the road to recovery that connects to the highway of happiness, just keep going straight and you'll get there.

  7. #7

    Re: Recently Separated

    when a person perceives a loss, the psychological reaction to it is neither instant or homogenized. The first phase is denial. She'll tell herself that you weren't much of a loss, or that you are still connected and available to her if she wants you back. Let her believe what she wants. Nothing to gain from arguing this. The next is bargaining. That is, she'll tell herself that you might be gone, but that you can be easily replaced, or that she can get you back by doing ______. When it starts to become clear that neither of these is realistic, the next step is anger. It sounds like she may be arriving at that stage now. She's a single mother now, and regardless of what's been told to her, there are no lines of high value men forming to wife her up. There are however, lines of alcoholics, felons, and parasites waiting in line for newly divorced single mothers who have no experience recognizing them. As the reality sets in that she has lost something of great value that she will likely never replace, no matter what she does, you'll likely see increasing degrees of anger from her for it. In your mind, it's over and time to move on. In her mind, you owed her something that you didn't deliver. (In her mind, you owed her indefinite happiness that you didn't deliver). You now have something that belongs to her. In her mind, you have stolen something from her that she had, or was entitled to.

    Brace yourself, brother. It's going to be a rollercoaster.

    It is common for these stages to blur together, and she won't pass through them in a straight line. She may go from being an angry vindictive bitch trying to punish you for your failure to make her happy... to a reasonable, polite person making some offer of a carrot meant to get you to behave a certain way. You may see both behaviors in the same day/hour, and the transition between them can be instantaneous.

    The last phase is acceptance and moving on. Hopefully, that won't take decades for your ex as it does for some (mine). But regardless of how long that phase takes to arrive for her, you should make yourself physically/geographically as far removed from her as you can and as soon as you can. That anger phase is a minefield that can include wild false accusations about domestic violence by you toward her, pedophilia from you toward your kids if you have any, etc etc etc. There are no limits to this, and no consequences for her. She cannot be expected to have any internal controls on her behavior during this stage, and our society lacks any external controls of culture or law for her behavior.

    When a mad woman's behavior is governed by the doctrine of 'anything goes...', the nearest man's behavior should be governed by the doctrine of 'already gone...'.

    If I sound paranoid, consider the following: If you underestimate the risk, you'll be blindsided and destroyed. Bankruptcy, homelessness and jail are very realistic outcomes. If you estimate the risk PERFECTLY, and take just barely the exact, minimum precautions necessary to protect yourself, you will ok (or as ok as can be expected). If you overestimate the risk, and take WAY more precautions, and put way more distance between you and her than is necessary to keep you safe, then you will be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Of those three possibilities, one requires perfection as a standard for making your estimations of the risks and decisions about protecting yourself from it. Perfection is so hard to achieve that we can call that an unrealistic aspiration. Abandoning that strategy of trying to achieve perfection, the only two strategies left are 1) underestimating the risk and being blindsided and destroyed. 2) Overestimating the risk and putting way more distance and precautions in place than is necessary to be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Do whatever you need to do to stack up precautions and insulation from her until you KNOW you have overestimated the risk of the worst possible behavior, and overcompensated for it. Block, delete, abandon, evade, ghost... get a restraining order if you have to. And don't let anyone call you paranoid and shame you into underestimating the risk.

  8. #8
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    Re: Recently Separated

    Good for you man. I just went through that too. Once the dust settles, you'll be better off. Marriage is awful, and I am so glad to be free.
    RISE from the ashes and decay
    RISE from the prison of your grave
    RISE above the standard and the norm
    RISE into the eye of the storm

  9. #9
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    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by mgtower View Post
    ...

    It's as if you're looking back at time spent in an insane asylum trying to bring sanity to the insane.

    ...

    This is brilliant.
    RISE from the ashes and decay
    RISE from the prison of your grave
    RISE above the standard and the norm
    RISE into the eye of the storm

  10. #10
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    Re: Recently Separated

    Welcome EB
    Your life will just get better from here. It took me about a year to recover, so be ready for a blip here and there. Being Red Pilled has helped me out is so many different ways, not just getting over my divorce

  11. #11

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BrainPilot View Post
    2 truths:

    1) Her ability to harm your happiness has peaked. Her ability to cause damage to your happiness will only continue to decrease from this point.

    2) You are still alive, and still able to build happiness for yourself

    Do the math on this, and proceed forward with your life.
    Until the kids get a new step father who doesn't give two shits about them and the kids constantly have to hear what a failure and horrible man their father is. I think OP's world of hurt is just starting. They may luck out and get a nice step daddy, but then they may like him better than their old man and I bet that doesn't feel too good.

  12. #12
    Senior Member mgtower's Avatar
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    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BedroomBully View Post
    Until the kids get a new step father who doesn't give two shits about them and the kids constantly have to hear what a failure and horrible man their father is. I think OP's world of hurt is just starting. They may luck out and get a nice step daddy, but then they may like him better than their old man and I bet that doesn't feel too good.
    All the different situations like you just described, that I've read in real time within the MGTOW community over the years, some have remedied this mental torture and abuse by cutting loose, vanishing from their existence, and starting a new life.

    I hate to admit it, I think they're right. There's no greater violation on a man than loosing his fatherhood rights, scratch that, loosing his fatherhood privileges.

    The only realistic way out is to never go in!

    Fuck that mineshaft in a mountain of shale!
    Any man that seeks leadership outside himself has a fool for a guide.

  13. #13

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by mgtower View Post
    All the different situations like you just described, that I've read in real time within the MGTOW community over the years, some have remedied this mental torture and abuse by cutting loose, vanishing from their existence, and starting a new life.

    I hate to admit it, I think they're right. There's no greater violation on a man than loosing his fatherhood rights, scratch that, loosing his fatherhood privileges.

    The only realistic way out is to never go in!

    Fuck that mineshaft in a mountain of shale!
    I wouldn't walk out on the kids, but the mother is going to need to rope in a new man and the default for that is to claim abuse. He hit me. I couldn't leave!!! Blah blah blah. I hear the same story from every single mom. They were stuck with no way out oh poor me. People eat that shit up and ask for seconds.

    My ex was seeing some guy and when we got back together (she cheated on him to get back with me) and i saw his text saying "you went back to the guy who punched you and your kids in the mouth?". I asked why she was spreading that around and she admitted she didn't want to look like she was the problem. Can't trust anyone who is now not on the same team as you.

  14. #14

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by mgtower View Post
    All the different situations like you just described, that I've read in real time within the MGTOW community over the years, some have remedied this mental torture and abuse by cutting loose, vanishing from their existence, and starting a new life.

    I hate to admit it, I think they're right. There's no greater violation on a man than loosing his fatherhood rights, scratch that, loosing his fatherhood privileges.

    The only realistic way out is to never go in!

    Fuck that mineshaft in a mountain of shale!
    Liberation is better than slavery in any lifetime. Men of Means always pave their own way from the sheeple and cattle of any civilization. And most of the time, they're loners or outcasts.
    "Courage is the catalyst that manifest ambitions." - Transcendent Sacred Courage

  15. #15

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BedroomBully View Post
    I wouldn't walk out on the kids, but the mother is going to need to rope in a new man and the default for that is to claim abuse. He hit me. I couldn't leave!!! Blah blah blah. I hear the same story from every single mom. They were stuck with no way out oh poor me. People eat that shit up and ask for seconds.

    My ex was seeing some guy and when we got back together (she cheated on him to get back with me) and i saw his text saying "you went back to the guy who punched you and your kids in the mouth?". I asked why she was spreading that around and she admitted she didn't want to look like she was the problem. Can't trust anyone who is now not on the same team as you.
    I can't fault you for giving that bitch a second chance. We all have done it in one form or another hoping things would change. But I hope you left that trifling bitch immediately after she told you that bullshit.
    "Courage is the catalyst that manifest ambitions." - Transcendent Sacred Courage

  16. #16

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by Transcendent Sacred Courage View Post
    I can't fault you for giving that bitch a second chance. We all have done it in one form or another hoping things would change. But I hope you left that trifling bitch immediately after she told you that bullshit.
    I stayed for a few days for the makeup sex and then started a fight to break up again. She knew the entire time I was going to take off once Sunday night rolled around.

    She was a very good looking girl at the time.

  17. #17

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BrainPilot View Post
    when a person perceives a loss, the psychological reaction to it is neither instant or homogenized. The first phase is denial. She'll tell herself that you weren't much of a loss, or that you are still connected and available to her if she wants you back. Let her believe what she wants. Nothing to gain from arguing this. The next is bargaining. That is, she'll tell herself that you might be gone, but that you can be easily replaced, or that she can get you back by doing ______. When it starts to become clear that neither of these is realistic, the next step is anger. It sounds like she may be arriving at that stage now. She's a single mother now, and regardless of what's been told to her, there are no lines of high value men forming to wife her up. There are however, lines of alcoholics, felons, and parasites waiting in line for newly divorced single mothers who have no experience recognizing them. As the reality sets in that she has lost something of great value that she will likely never replace, no matter what she does, you'll likely see increasing degrees of anger from her for it. In your mind, it's over and time to move on. In her mind, you owed her something that you didn't deliver. (In her mind, you owed her indefinite happiness that you didn't deliver). You now have something that belongs to her. In her mind, you have stolen something from her that she had, or was entitled to.

    Brace yourself, brother. It's going to be a rollercoaster.

    It is common for these stages to blur together, and she won't pass through them in a straight line. She may go from being an angry vindictive bitch trying to punish you for your failure to make her happy... to a reasonable, polite person making some offer of a carrot meant to get you to behave a certain way. You may see both behaviors in the same day/hour, and the transition between them can be instantaneous.

    The last phase is acceptance and moving on. Hopefully, that won't take decades for your ex as it does for some (mine). But regardless of how long that phase takes to arrive for her, you should make yourself physically/geographically as far removed from her as you can and as soon as you can. That anger phase is a minefield that can include wild false accusations about domestic violence by you toward her, pedophilia from you toward your kids if you have any, etc etc etc. There are no limits to this, and no consequences for her. She cannot be expected to have any internal controls on her behavior during this stage, and our society lacks any external controls of culture or law for her behavior.

    When a mad woman's behavior is governed by the doctrine of 'anything goes...', the nearest man's behavior should be governed by the doctrine of 'already gone...'.

    If I sound paranoid, consider the following: If you underestimate the risk, you'll be blindsided and destroyed. Bankruptcy, homelessness and jail are very realistic outcomes. If you estimate the risk PERFECTLY, and take just barely the exact, minimum precautions necessary to protect yourself, you will ok (or as ok as can be expected). If you overestimate the risk, and take WAY more precautions, and put way more distance between you and her than is necessary to keep you safe, then you will be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Of those three possibilities, one requires perfection as a standard for making your estimations of the risks and decisions about protecting yourself from it. Perfection is so hard to achieve that we can call that an unrealistic aspiration. Abandoning that strategy of trying to achieve perfection, the only two strategies left are 1) underestimating the risk and being blindsided and destroyed. 2) Overestimating the risk and putting way more distance and precautions in place than is necessary to be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Do whatever you need to do to stack up precautions and insulation from her until you KNOW you have overestimated the risk of the worst possible behavior, and overcompensated for it. Block, delete, abandon, evade, ghost... get a restraining order if you have to. And don't let anyone call you paranoid and shame you into underestimating the risk.
    Sounds like my first broken heart. I became very angry and took it out on other women. Took about 5 years to get over that woman. Felt like I was stabbed in the heart. Oddly enough, I never hated her, I hated myself. Funny how that works.

  18. #18

    Re: Recently Separated

    Quote Originally Posted by BrainPilot View Post
    when a person perceives a loss, the psychological reaction to it is neither instant or homogenized. The first phase is denial. She'll tell herself that you weren't much of a loss, or that you are still connected and available to her if she wants you back. Let her believe what she wants. Nothing to gain from arguing this. The next is bargaining. That is, she'll tell herself that you might be gone, but that you can be easily replaced, or that she can get you back by doing ______. When it starts to become clear that neither of these is realistic, the next step is anger. It sounds like she may be arriving at that stage now. She's a single mother now, and regardless of what's been told to her, there are no lines of high value men forming to wife her up. There are however, lines of alcoholics, felons, and parasites waiting in line for newly divorced single mothers who have no experience recognizing them. As the reality sets in that she has lost something of great value that she will likely never replace, no matter what she does, you'll likely see increasing degrees of anger from her for it. In your mind, it's over and time to move on. In her mind, you owed her something that you didn't deliver. (In her mind, you owed her indefinite happiness that you didn't deliver). You now have something that belongs to her. In her mind, you have stolen something from her that she had, or was entitled to.

    Brace yourself, brother. It's going to be a rollercoaster.

    It is common for these stages to blur together, and she won't pass through them in a straight line. She may go from being an angry vindictive bitch trying to punish you for your failure to make her happy... to a reasonable, polite person making some offer of a carrot meant to get you to behave a certain way. You may see both behaviors in the same day/hour, and the transition between them can be instantaneous.

    The last phase is acceptance and moving on. Hopefully, that won't take decades for your ex as it does for some (mine). But regardless of how long that phase takes to arrive for her, you should make yourself physically/geographically as far removed from her as you can and as soon as you can. That anger phase is a minefield that can include wild false accusations about domestic violence by you toward her, pedophilia from you toward your kids if you have any, etc etc etc. There are no limits to this, and no consequences for her. She cannot be expected to have any internal controls on her behavior during this stage, and our society lacks any external controls of culture or law for her behavior.

    When a mad woman's behavior is governed by the doctrine of 'anything goes...', the nearest man's behavior should be governed by the doctrine of 'already gone...'.

    If I sound paranoid, consider the following: If you underestimate the risk, you'll be blindsided and destroyed. Bankruptcy, homelessness and jail are very realistic outcomes. If you estimate the risk PERFECTLY, and take just barely the exact, minimum precautions necessary to protect yourself, you will ok (or as ok as can be expected). If you overestimate the risk, and take WAY more precautions, and put way more distance between you and her than is necessary to keep you safe, then you will be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Of those three possibilities, one requires perfection as a standard for making your estimations of the risks and decisions about protecting yourself from it. Perfection is so hard to achieve that we can call that an unrealistic aspiration. Abandoning that strategy of trying to achieve perfection, the only two strategies left are 1) underestimating the risk and being blindsided and destroyed. 2) Overestimating the risk and putting way more distance and precautions in place than is necessary to be ok (or as ok as can be expected).

    Do whatever you need to do to stack up precautions and insulation from her until you KNOW you have overestimated the risk of the worst possible behavior, and overcompensated for it. Block, delete, abandon, evade, ghost... get a restraining order if you have to. And don't let anyone call you paranoid and shame you into underestimating the risk.
    Good advice. I have a very good separation agreement that spells out communication may only happen once a day when pertinent by way of email.

    I assure you I always anticipate the worst possible outcome in all things and I am ready for what comes.


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