Thread: Is being a parent 'it'?

Something I am coming to realise, is that almost everyone is searching for the answer to a better life outside of them.

Its becoming quite clear that is not working for pretty much anybody.

People then go on to say that being a parent is 'it'. That this is the missing level of life, that this is the meaning of life, that you will never experience anything so wonderful etc.

I call bullshit. The answer to a meaningful life doesn't exist outside of you.

You are 'it'.

You are the source of everything. You alone have control of your thoughts, actions, reactions and your happiness.

Then something happens that you don't expect. When you are being 'it' you'll look around at everyone else who isn't being 'it' and you'll realise how much pain they are all in.

Do you think that you are it?

I have kids,3. and they are great, but you are right, They dont automatically make you happy. They are a lot of work and sometimes heartache.
Youre also right that happiness comes from within, No I'm not "it" but at 50 I'm still trying to get there

Originally Posted by plowman

I have kids,3. and they are great, but you are right, They dont automatically make you happy. They are a lot of work and sometimes heartache.
Youre also right that happiness comes from within, No I'm not "it" but at 50 I'm still trying to get there

You are it.

I am half your age and am choosing to be it right now!

You have never got there because you can't get there. To be it you have to drop something. Drop your attachments, drop your fears, drop the fake concepts and fake ideas that have been rammed down your throat just like it has everyone else.

Choose to be it NOW! Watch the 70 year old bodybuilder on YouTube. It's NEVER to late!

For me, having kids is part of my own "it-ness."

You shouldn't be a parent because you think you have to be. You should only be a parent because you want to be.

I believe in my own stock, and I invest in it by having children. They will eventually go their own way, but through them, my influence will outlast my lifetime.

Some people lose themselves in their children. This is unhealthy, both for you and for your children. They are meant to be part of your life, not your entire life. ( And children who grow up as the center of their parents' lives will be ill adjusted for living in a world that is indifferent to them).

But this principle extends to all areas--work for example. If your entire life is your work, you're not doing it right.

That's interesting.

One of the things that put me off kids is that my brother and sister appear to make their kids their whole life. They are good people and good parents and raised good children, but I knew their was something terribly wrong with putting so much meaning into their child's existence. They revolve their life around their children, they only seem to discuss their children and what they have done recently. It never sat right with me.

If I were ever to meet a women and have children, I would be completely unattached to the whole thing. I would not place any great meaning behind it, I would be free to do what I want, when I want. I would encourage them to be free(woman and children) and teach them about the real reality of life. If either one said, I'm moving half way across the world, I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I would be happy to guide them but there is no way I would play by any of the rules of the matrix when it comes to relationships and children.

Originally Posted by DanLimitless

Something I am coming to realise, is that almost everyone is searching for the answer to a better life outside of them.

Its becoming quite clear that is not working for pretty much anybody.

People then go on to say that being a parent is 'it'. That this is the missing level of life, that this is the meaning of life, that you will never experience anything so wonderful etc.

I call bullshit. The answer to a meaningful life doesn't exist outside of you.

You are 'it'.

You are the source of everything. You alone have control of your thoughts, actions, reactions and your happiness.

Then something happens that you don't expect. When you are being 'it' you'll look around at everyone else who isn't being 'it' and you'll realise how much pain they are all in.

Do you think that you are it?

Yes, I know this. "You" are consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, everything is. "You" are "me" and vice versa.

People think their individual persona is themselves. The more you think this is so the easier it is to stroke your ego and manipulate you.

When you see it is a game you realise participation is not obligatory

I don't think I am "it" or have life all figured out. I am divorced with two kids. Here is what I tell people:

- I love my kids - always - but sometimes being a parent is really hard and sometimes being a parent kind of sucks.
- Kids take a ton of time, money, energy and other resources even then there is no guarantee they'll be happy, healthy well adjust adults.
- If you dislike disorder, chaos, unpredictability and handling emergencies you might feel somewhat stressed as a parent.
- If you need "tidy", time for yourself, lots of leisure/wind-down/recuperation time and have many friends, hobbies and interests... kids change that.
- If you love having all kinds of spare cash around for trips, home renos, nice cars, electronic gadgets, etc., kids can change that too.
- Kids are *not* like cats (like too many women seem to think). You can't leave food out for them and call that parenting. Feeding cats =/= parenting.
- I put my kids first. I don't think I would have the time/money/energy to satiate a woman's desires and still keep my kids first - if I even wanted a relationship.
- I give zero fucks about how ANYONE or any group thinks I should raise my kids. My house. My values. My rules. Don't like it? Here is the door --->>>. Punt.

You do not need kids to feel fulfillment. Actually, kids can make you often feel like a resource machine and kind of used and abused.
You can't know the joy of kids jumping on you and saying "BEST. DAD. EVER!" unless it's you with your own kids.
You don't know fear until you get a phone call from the wife/ex-wife at an ER saying "We're at the ER... Your daughter..."
You don't know tired until you've been stripping vomit covered bedding all night and keeping a delirious child hydrated and managing her fever.

Kids are not for everyone. Everyone should not have kids. I probably should not have gone the family way or married - I think on many levels I knew I was not husband or father material. But, now I have two kids and I love them and I try my best to care for them, teach them and have fun with them.

Kids are a day to day commitment and there is no break from the responsibility. You can't go on vacation and leave your kids at a kennel. (Although I am sure some parents have tried.)

You can sometimes lean on partners - sometimes even vent at them a bit, but you can't take your frustrations out on kids. They will immediately find fault with themselves and it can damage them pretty damned fast. Even tone of voice... kids know when you're angry, frustrated, tired or pissed off. They say to me "Daddy, you're stressed today so we're thinking we can't go to the park." to which I reply "Yes, daddy IS stressed today and it's because of work and the car breaking down and NOT you guys, so get your shoes on. We're going to the park."

Being a parent is dragging your ass off the couch to play tea party with your little girl when you'd rather just sit and zone out in front of the TV. Or just zone out.
Being a parent is cleaning house, cleaning clothes, preparing stuff for school, making lunches, bathing kids, planning activities, doing homework, filling out myriad of forms and slips, keeping track of dental and doctor appointments... It's a really busy job. I for one hate being too busy and I hate people who MAKE themselves too busy then complain (aka humblebrag) about how stressed out they are.

So take it from me. Kids are amazing. Kids are a wonder. Kids can give you amazing moments of joy. But few parents will admit that there are days when you look at the floor and think "Dear God, why the hell did I have kids?" and you feel guilty as hell. So you do something extra nice for them.

When my kids are discussing the day's events and they feel they had a very awesome day and it was because of me and they say "BEST. DAD. EVER." you just can't beat that. Nobody can make you feel that good. Not your boss, your girlfriend, your wife, your siblings or your parents. When you do right by your children despite the hardships, patience in short supply, fatigue, money stress and countless other stressors you're rewarded with kids who are generally NOT hellions and who actually appreciate you from time to time. When they laugh and smile and are jovial and in good spirits, it's a really fantastic feeling.

When they are hurting or hating on you because something you did sucked... well, it can range from disappointment to gut wrenching guilt.