Hey guys,
I know it isn't "MGTOW" to be married, but I joined this forum since I do align a lot with the concept of "going your own way". I think that's really essential to me growing as a human being and getting over this person.
Me and my wife have had a lot of issues in the past. I was abusive on and off for the first few years of our marriage, and we went to therapy and I fixed that and haven't hit her since. Soon after that, she actually hit me and I was stunned - I didn't strike back due to therapy, but that was the first sign I should have left. Since then, she has continued to hurt me verbally and mentally every day. This has been slowly getting worse and worse, until the point where I didn't realize how evil she had become. The once kind, sweet, loving, christian girl is now saying things such as I have a small penis, she hates me, she doesn't care about my feelings, that I can't do any better than her, on and on and on.
We just went through a marriage book earlier this month. I was really trying. I really hammered home the point of commitment to the marriage and the fact I'm committed. I did say I was thinking of divorce before this, which prompted all this constant back and forth of leaving me & coming back this year. But I was only thinking of divorce because she literally said "I Don't care about your feelings".
Writing all this, I wonder how the fuck I grew so pathetic as to still want this woman after all this evil I've been put through. I don't know why. At this point I think it is just an addiction I might have to cut out. Unfortunately, it isn't like alcohol or drugs where I can just quit - the emotional trauma runs so deep it feels like I have to cut it out of my heart myself with a dull knife.
I don't know why I'm still committed. I've told her countless times cheating is my final straw. I'm pretty confident she knows this, which makes me think she is probably going to cheat on me just to hurt me. She's done everything else cruel and awful to me in the world so why would that be left out. She's out hanging at her friends house right now hundreds of miles away doing yoga with plenty of fit guys... it just tears me up inside thinking about it and the fact she won't even give me a straight answer right now if she's even willing to try anymore.
I'm so upset right now. I wish this never would have happened.
Guys, don't get married.