Thread: Don't be this person...

It's gotta be my utter lack of faith in people most of the time but there's no way in hell I would be forgiving of years of abuse from a parent especially a mother. Maybe this person has the heart to forgive but I don't even with the explanation of mental illness. Hell I wouldn't bother pursuing a relationship with the abusive mother. What do you guys think?

I try not to write people off, but once it happens, they are seldom forgiven. Once in a while, but it's not common.

When talking family, like this guy's mom? With me, she'd likely be up the creek.

They say forgiving people is done more to help you, so you won't be carrying a bunch of baggage around.

Originally Posted by frog

I try not to write people off, but once it happens, they are seldom forgiven. Once in a while, but it's not common.

When talking family, like this guy's mom? With me, she'd likely be up the creek.

They say forgiving people is done more to help you, so you won't be carrying a bunch of baggage around.

Lets put it in a different light.

The people that hurt and harmed me, psychologically, physically, or monetarily, deep within my soul I wish them well. It's my way of picking the locks on the handcuffs of resentment and freeing myself to move on. Anything else just makes the suffering last longer. Will I ever associate with them again? No, not on your life, the bonds are broken and the wound healed.

I forgive but never forget.

Forgiving is a gift to yourself. An immense gift.

You need to put aside your ego for a while, and the time needed depends on the level of misery inflicted to you.

But forgiving is not excusing.

Forgiving doesn't mean acceptance nor having to welcome an abuser back in your life. Forgive, but don't forget.

The problem with anger or simply holding a grudge from not forgiving is that it's corrosive to your well-being. Over the years, either one festers inside you. Either one eats you from the inside out, will make you bitter, and will lead to health problems, and will kill you. You have to let the anger or the grudge go. It might take a while, but it's for your own good.

There was another discussion recently here regarding the semantics of the word forgiveness, and I've had my share of discussions elsewhere on this recently regarding the whole "pandemic amnesty" stuff that went viral.

I've always treated the word forgiveness as something I extend to someone else in very specific circumstances. That person has to have offered a genuine apology and express remorse for their transgression. At that point, forgiveness is extended, and they no longer have to go around carrying the burden/guilt for the mistake they made. Forgiving them is for their benefit - but obviously it allows me to move on as well.

Others define it as described here - forgiving the person for yourself so you don't hold on to that "grudge", which of course is incredibly toxic to your own mental, and ultimately physical health. I define this action here as simply letting go or cutting it loose (including the person that committed the transgression if need be).

I think the distinction/difference is very important as forgiveness is such a loaded word, and there needs to be a way to define actions towards those that accept responsibility for their actions and genuinely apologize, vs simply letting go for your own piece of mind when someone either won't apologize, or doesn't even know they did anything wrong in the first place.

Both ultimately are for you personally - but to forgive someone is literally towards them - you are offering them forgiveness. Letting go is much simpler as you can acknowledge they aren't apologizing and still not hold onto the grudge, thereby saving actual forgiveness for those rare moments people take responsibility for their misdeeds.

If someone wants to just let go and call that forgiveness, to each their own. Trouble is the vast majority can't even let go as they get wrapped up in seeing that as forgiveness when they know the offender won't ever apologize, and therefore won't "forgive' them.

One thing I noticed is women always gaslit and created problems for me when I was at my lowest. I forgive but I will never forget.

Originally Posted by FireBird

It's gotta be my utter lack of faith in people most of the time but there's no way in hell I would be forgiving of years of abuse from a parent especially a mother. Maybe this person has the heart to forgive but I don't even with the explanation of mental illness. Hell I wouldn't bother pursuing a relationship with the abusive mother. What do you guys think?

Forgiveness depends on the situation.

If someone shits on me, shows true remorse for their actions and never repeats their actions I will eventually forgive them. But this takes time for me to see that they are truly remorseful and will never repeat themselves.

Of course, this depends on how heavily they shat on me. Some things should never be forgiven. Unfortunately some people are just hateful fucks and your forgiveness of their actions just encourages more of the same.


With regards the O.P., my mom was a nasty piece of work. Physical violence wasn’t her thing but psychological violence seemed to be part of her makeup.

She destroyed my family with her constant arguments. I’m not talking about once or twice a month, I’m talking 5 – 10 per day, every day.

She passed many years ago and one of my brothers can’t speak about her without referring to her as a cunt. He got the brunt of her in many ways and I get where he’s coming from.

For myself:

When she passed and was lying in her coffin I put my hand on hers and said out loud (there was no-one else present) “Maybe now you’ll get some rest.”

For all the shit she tried (and often succeeded) to cause in my home, she was the one that suffered most of all of us.

Her constant anger at anything and everything destroyed her life and she sought to inflict that destruction on all around her as far as possible. As she aged, her anger and rage grew proportionately.

Seeing this, witnessing this, living this, I resolved never to be like her. I hated what she had done to my family, but on some level I pitied her because she couldn’t escape her, what? At this point words are failing me.

Do I forgive what she wrought on my family?

I cannot, because I can’t speak for them and what they suffered because of her. For myself, perhaps forgiveness is the wrong word. Perhaps trying to understand her own pain in life is a better way of viewing it.

Forgiveness?

Understanding must come first.

Forgiveness must include restitution of some form. Otherwise it’s a meaningless notion to excuse bad behavior with no accountability.

Originally Posted by KRFJames

Trouble is the vast majority can't even let go as they get wrapped up in seeing that as forgiveness when they know the offender won't ever apologize, and therefore won't "forgive' them.

This is a very important sentence.

Because it is how psychopaths and narcissistic personality disordered people will attach a huge link on you (and continue to drag you down). They do it on purpose, they know it (no closure).

It is why "forgiveness", "letting go" is a mental process you must master. What has been done has been done. You must take responsibility of what happened on yourself to advance in your life. Responsibility can also be to accept that shit can hit the fan and that we do not control the universe (nor are we gods). That's why I was talking of ego. It is a very hard process, depending on what you have to "forgive".

(I am not refering about soustracting responsibility to the offender - it doesn't mean you are responsible of his/her actions)


Then you adjust how you interact with the offender. It can range from total no contact, divorce or whatever to lessening the deepness of the relation. But you don't forget. Imo.

Originally Posted by max999

This is a very important sentence.

Because it is how psychopaths and narcissistic personality disordered people will attach a huge link on you (and continue to drag you down). They do it on purpose, they know it (no closure).

It is why "forgiveness", "letting go" is a mental process you must master. What has been done has been done. You must take responsibility of what happened on yourself to advance in your life. Responsibility can also be to accept that shit can hit the fan and that we do not control the universe (nor are we gods). That's why I was talking of ego. It is a very hard process, depending on what you have to "forgive".

(I am not refering about soustracting responsibility to the offender - it doesn't mean you are responsible of his/her actions)


Then you adjust how you interact with the offender. It can range from total no contact, divorce or whatever to lessening the deepness of the relation. But you don't forget. Imo.

The most important of all psychological disorders to regard, understand, and know is narcissistic personality disorder (outside the obvious sociopathic, and sociopathic disorders).

A narcissist's advantage is that they're a Trojan Horse when it comes to gaining trust and confidence.

Narcissistic personality disorder:

• Belief that you're special and more important than others
• Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness
• Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings
• Exaggeration of achievements or talents
• Expectation of constant praise and admiration
• Arrogance
• Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others
• Envy of others or belief that others envy you

Originally Posted by KRFJames

There was another discussion recently here regarding the semantics of the word forgiveness, and I've had my share of discussions elsewhere on this recently regarding the whole "pandemic amnesty" stuff that went viral.

I've always treated the word forgiveness as something I extend to someone else in very specific circumstances. That person has to have offered a genuine apology and express remorse for their transgression. At that point, forgiveness is extended, and they no longer have to go around carrying the burden/guilt for the mistake they made. Forgiving them is for their benefit - but obviously it allows me to move on as well.

Others define it as described here - forgiving the person for yourself so you don't hold on to that "grudge", which of course is incredibly toxic to your own mental, and ultimately physical health. I define this action here as simply letting go or cutting it loose (including the person that committed the transgression if need be).

Most people aren't even going to apologize if they can avoid it, let alone do anything to make you whole again. Unless what they did is completely unforgivable, put them in your rear-view mirror and call it good. Life's too short, and years from now you're not going to care anyway.

Originally Posted by frog

Most people aren't even going to apologize if they can avoid it, let alone do anything to make you whole again. Unless what they did is completely unforgivable, put them in your rear-view mirror and call it good. Life's too short, and years from now you're not going to care anyway.

That's where I am now.