Thread: System pushed too hard, showed the hand.

Dad competed with me for moms attention:


My dad was constantly competing with me for attention from mom as a male and he still did in 2021 last time I saw him.


He told me that I need to find a woman who can be like my mommy.


He found her/that. I find it sick. Most women have a primary duty to kids (so they discard the man but not the resources), not my mom. She neglected us for my dad’s needs.


I told my dad, If I had children (outside of any commitment scenario, no marriage, girlfriend)
The ape mother is there to breastfeed the child and take care of the helpless thing. You had a mom already. It was shitty for you, but now you are cognitively aware enough to engage in self care.
A man can get his physical and emotional needs met with as few as none or as many people as he wants to involve.


He didn’t give a shit about it.




I remember being 1 and my dad was being held like I needed to be from my mom in the kitchen even though I was cold. My feet were cold on the tile and I didn’t know how to dress myself yet.


They told me, Move to the carpet.


Children are dependent. When they are cold or hungry it is the job of the caregiver to interpret the covert communication and find out what is wrong.


Hold their feet, see if they are cold.


During the pregnancy with me my mom would eat bad food because she claims it is all she could keep down. I wasn’t there, so I have to take that at face value.


I was assembled with soda, sweets, candy. Right out of the factory made from inferior parts. This affected me as a child.


I have had a pervasive sense of lack my whole life. It means nothing was as good as all those carbs.


Recently I have changed my diet completely and that has gone away. Say what you will about it, my opinion is that food is like car parts. Order cheap ones, and then the car is a lawn ornament.


Food is my human assembly parts. It is literally incorporated into my body.


I eat Soylent, Whey. Some roughage from bananas and other vegetables from time to time.


It is really good on my stomach.






Part 2: Munchasen
I am hesitant to call it munchasen by proxy because when I was the proxy I wasn’t allowed to have a real medical problem. My needs were diminished. But it was indeed the case.


From 6 years on my mother would drag me around the psychiactric community, saying I am hyper and don’t listen. They would fry my brain with all sorts of shit based on my mother’s explanation of my behavior.


If I disagreed with her, hey, I was the crazy one who couldn’t see what was going on. I had no say.


Being the woman she was, this absolved her of responsibility. It was my fault the hoarder house wasn’t clean. Always.


No amount of behavior change was good enough for her.


I am a former Mormon. I was born into it. In fact, I was born into the whole system I don’t like.


Prose


Born into a system that is not wanted by you


With no power to change it


And yet it is your fault by not choosing to fix!










So the dynamic between being Mormon and Public school and society was very difficult for me.


Programming in Primary


In primary, from 5 years old and onward, we are taught to do a life plan. This life plan cannot deviate from the mormon values:


Basically we chose to come here (Even though I do not remember agreeing to such a contract, it must have been made while I was not conscious so my end is not worth anything there, release me from it haha)


We have to get baptized at 8 (which is a huge deal and I did not understand the theology until much later, so why hold me to it at a young age)




And then I am given priesthood duties at 12 which is a bunch of busywork, rituals over bread and water, etc.






I remember that they didn’t want to give me the priesthood both at 12 and at 18 because I was crazy from all the stuff my mom got doctors to give me.


I went and served a mission, which was difficult because I was broken as a person. Southwest states. I wanted them to teach me a language because when I got out then I could have a skill. That was the reason I crushed down because it was too worldly, but I was afraid it was true. The surface reason I told people was that I wanted the spirit to work in me to learn.

Called English on the "Mission call".


I learned Spanish anyway. I started teaching myself then. Bootstraps.


I learned enough to impress some people there.


So i did the whole two years. Missionaries are a bunch of high schoolers. Nothing special.


So my self worth was dependent on my community service, and you will see later when I broke that I was MUCH HAPPIER.


Leaving the church:


At mormon college. BYU UTAH.


I left because I broke the “law of chastity” I never had any, and this woman offered because she wanted it.


No contraceptives, I am on the side of the law of averages which means I have no kids and no need to navigate child support.


So I am dating this woman because I wanted to “overcome the lust together/build a relationship” and it never happened. She was an ugly nympho. (and I didn’t know that desire is non-nego)


I asked her to marry me. Because I thought that I was going to be happy, that she was going to want to lay with me all the time.


Then the sex got weird, she really let the crazy out.


Weird in the way that I was supposed to do what she wanted in bed or else.


So if I left her, wouldn’t marry her, she could say something that might ruin my education. But if I stayed, I could feel those big ass balls and chains man.


Because she knew she had the power to say anything about me because she was afraid to lose me because she couldn’t keep a man because she was a 3 and she was getting 7’s that pump and dump her.


She was desperate too. 29. hit the wall already. So I saw that.


I was aware enough to know that being accused falsely would ruin my future.


She went to look at wedding dresses with mom, who was also ugly. So I knew shit was serious on her end. I was having free trial remorse( aka my email is flooded with calls to buy a shitty program that I got to do one thing one time feeling.)


So the next time she said I was crazy I walked back to my apartment and packed my stuff.


I got housing from a church guy farmer who has migrant housing. I stayed there and learned more spanish.


Then I left there and I was working hard at work. I got promoted.


then I moved to a different town because I wanted to get promoted at work.
She left me alone. One night I was craving sex and my lizard brain dialed her, then realized what an idiot mistake that was. She screamed at me for leaving. I hung up because it was the thing to do. She called and I never picked up. I changed my number again after that.
I recorded this girl in case something came up later.


Then work went crazy because I didn’t know about skiving. I literally worked as hard as I can and then I am the problem? Perhaps this has happened to you.


Also low low social skill level from being segregated in school. So I will talk about school now:




School treating me like a defective girl. How I am not allowed to be a boy. Which is a lot of late 80’s early 90’s kids.


One time the preschool teacher locked me in the bathroom for several hours because they wanted to separate me. Stupid woman.


I remember that day. It tells me to be freeee!!!! Free from females who will lock you in the concrete room with a toilet and sink… No joke.

I am so glad i got a taste of that sweet sweet concrete.

So I was low on the dominance hierarchy. All I did was snipe through high school:


I sniped 11 women
(sniping is when you wait until the “perfect time to dump all of your feelings for someone all at once)


Laura was the worst one. She really got me in trouble. She said she didn’t feel safe around me. Even though she only hung out with upper class men at her table who were banging her.


And there was another woman who I sniped at church and dated off and on. She married a guy from there that I grew up with. She waited his whole mission for him. Like I had a chance. Now I see it for the Ball and Chain it is. Like aladdin and the sea.


This whole time I thought I was receiving revelation that confirmed that I was being a good mormon boy.


I see it for what it is now. Program beliefs in children, then when they pray, they get confrimation bias because the spirit feels like peace and safety, and confrimation bias is safety in an option already selected.


So it is a big grift.






George carlin said it best for me. God has everything, all powerful all knowing and yet he needs my money haha.

I gave thousands in tithing. Even when I lived in a car. Gave all that money to the church. I left because I needed help and they didn’t help me. I worked my ass off at work and found a place.


So when I have done all I can for myself then shit got better.


Then I realized that living in a car is cheaper and more free. So I continue to live in a car now.


I can teach you how to thrive in a vehicle if you pm me. Like with clean clothes and good food.




So to recap:


Mom wanted attention and I was the marionette


Both church society and greater society tell me to live the American dream, of which I have to be asleep to believe.


Because I never was rewarded for “catching up” aka becoming normal, I realized that no one gives a shit about you.


I give great shits about myself.




I have a right to preferences. I like tough rough stuff that matches myself, a survivor of mental torture.


I have found peace through trial. David Goggins is a hardass who pushes himself.


I have found peace through David Goggins explanation.

Only problem with Goggins is that he has a fiance. Haha. Pushes himself in every other way... but then decides to marry, like he learned how to hack his brain to get what he wanted all along, blue pill dreams...


This isn’t everything,


any clarification wanted I can provide more

Originally Posted by HK 95

Dad competed with me for moms attention:


My dad was constantly competing with me for attention from mom as a male and he still did in 2021 last time I saw him.


He told me that I need to find a woman who can be like my mommy.


He found her/that. I find it sick. Most women have a primary duty to kids (so they discard the man but not the resources), not my mom. She neglected us for my dad’s needs.


I told my dad, If I had children (outside of any commitment scenario, no marriage, girlfriend)
The ape mother is there to breastfeed the child and take care of the helpless thing. You had a mom already. It was shitty for you, but now you are cognitively aware enough to engage in self care.
A man can get his physical and emotional needs met with as few as none or as many people as he wants to involve.


He didn’t give a shit about it.




I remember being 1 and my dad was being held like I needed to be from my mom in the kitchen even though I was cold. My feet were cold on the tile and I didn’t know how to dress myself yet.


They told me, Move to the carpet.


Children are dependent. When they are cold or hungry it is the job of the caregiver to interpret the covert communication and find out what is wrong.


Hold their feet, see if they are cold.


During the pregnancy with me my mom would eat bad food because she claims it is all she could keep down. I wasn’t there, so I have to take that at face value.


I was assembled with soda, sweets, candy. Right out of the factory made from inferior parts. This affected me as a child.


I have had a pervasive sense of lack my whole life. It means nothing was as good as all those carbs.


Recently I have changed my diet completely and that has gone away. Say what you will about it, my opinion is that food is like car parts. Order cheap ones, and then the car is a lawn ornament.


Food is my human assembly parts. It is literally incorporated into my body.


I eat Soylent, Whey. Some roughage from bananas and other vegetables from time to time.


It is really good on my stomach.






Part 2: Munchasen
I am hesitant to call it munchasen by proxy because when I was the proxy I wasn’t allowed to have a real medical problem. My needs were diminished. But it was indeed the case.


From 6 years on my mother would drag me around the psychiactric community, saying I am hyper and don’t listen. They would fry my brain with all sorts of shit based on my mother’s explanation of my behavior.


If I disagreed with her, hey, I was the crazy one who couldn’t see what was going on. I had no say.


Being the woman she was, this absolved her of responsibility. It was my fault the hoarder house wasn’t clean. Always.


No amount of behavior change was good enough for her.


I am a former Mormon. I was born into it. In fact, I was born into the whole system I don’t like.


Prose


Born into a system that is not wanted by you


With no power to change it


And yet it is your fault by not choosing to fix!










So the dynamic between being Mormon and Public school and society was very difficult for me.


Programming in Primary


In primary, from 5 years old and onward, we are taught to do a life plan. This life plan cannot deviate from the mormon values:


Basically we chose to come here (Even though I do not remember agreeing to such a contract, it must have been made while I was not conscious so my end is not worth anything there, release me from it haha)


We have to get baptized at 8 (which is a huge deal and I did not understand the theology until much later, so why hold me to it at a young age)




And then I am given priesthood duties at 12 which is a bunch of busywork, rituals over bread and water, etc.






I remember that they didn’t want to give me the priesthood both at 12 and at 18 because I was crazy from all the stuff my mom got doctors to give me.


I went and served a mission, which was difficult because I was broken as a person. Southwest states. I wanted them to teach me a language because when I got out then I could have a skill. That was the reason I crushed down because it was too worldly, but I was afraid it was true. The surface reason I told people was that I wanted the spirit to work in me to learn.

Called English on the "Mission call".


I learned Spanish anyway. I started teaching myself then. Bootstraps.


I learned enough to impress some people there.


So i did the whole two years. Missionaries are a bunch of high schoolers. Nothing special.


So my self worth was dependent on my community service, and you will see later when I broke that I was MUCH HAPPIER.


Leaving the church:


At mormon college. BYU UTAH.


I left because I broke the “law of chastity” I never had any, and this woman offered because she wanted it.


No contraceptives, I am on the side of the law of averages which means I have no kids and no need to navigate child support.


So I am dating this woman because I wanted to “overcome the lust together/build a relationship” and it never happened. She was an ugly nympho. (and I didn’t know that desire is non-nego)


I asked her to marry me. Because I thought that I was going to be happy, that she was going to want to lay with me all the time.


Then the sex got weird, she really let the crazy out.


Weird in the way that I was supposed to do what she wanted in bed or else.


So if I left her, wouldn’t marry her, she could say something that might ruin my education. But if I stayed, I could feel those big ass balls and chains man.


Because she knew she had the power to say anything about me because she was afraid to lose me because she couldn’t keep a man because she was a 3 and she was getting 7’s that pump and dump her.


She was desperate too. 29. hit the wall already. So I saw that.


I was aware enough to know that being accused falsely would ruin my future.


She went to look at wedding dresses with mom, who was also ugly. So I knew shit was serious on her end. I was having free trial remorse( aka my email is flooded with calls to buy a shitty program that I got to do one thing one time feeling.)


So the next time she said I was crazy I walked back to my apartment and packed my stuff.


I got housing from a church guy farmer who has migrant housing. I stayed there and learned more spanish.


Then I left there and I was working hard at work. I got promoted.


then I moved to a different town because I wanted to get promoted at work.
She left me alone. One night I was craving sex and my lizard brain dialed her, then realized what an idiot mistake that was. She screamed at me for leaving. I hung up because it was the thing to do. She called and I never picked up. I changed my number again after that.
I recorded this girl in case something came up later.


Then work went crazy because I didn’t know about skiving. I literally worked as hard as I can and then I am the problem? Perhaps this has happened to you.


Also low low social skill level from being segregated in school. So I will talk about school now:




School treating me like a defective girl. How I am not allowed to be a boy. Which is a lot of late 80’s early 90’s kids.


One time the preschool teacher locked me in the bathroom for several hours because they wanted to separate me. Stupid woman.


I remember that day. It tells me to be freeee!!!! Free from females who will lock you in the concrete room with a toilet and sink… No joke.

I am so glad i got a taste of that sweet sweet concrete.

So I was low on the dominance hierarchy. All I did was snipe through high school:


I sniped 11 women
(sniping is when you wait until the “perfect time to dump all of your feelings for someone all at once)


Laura was the worst one. She really got me in trouble. She said she didn’t feel safe around me. Even though she only hung out with upper class men at her table who were banging her.


And there was another woman who I sniped at church and dated off and on. She married a guy from there that I grew up with. She waited his whole mission for him. Like I had a chance. Now I see it for the Ball and Chain it is. Like aladdin and the sea.


This whole time I thought I was receiving revelation that confirmed that I was being a good mormon boy.


I see it for what it is now. Program beliefs in children, then when they pray, they get confrimation bias because the spirit feels like peace and safety, and confrimation bias is safety in an option already selected.


So it is a big grift.






George carlin said it best for me. God has everything, all powerful all knowing and yet he needs my money haha.

I gave thousands in tithing. Even when I lived in a car. Gave all that money to the church. I left because I needed help and they didn’t help me. I worked my ass off at work and found a place.


So when I have done all I can for myself then shit got better.


Then I realized that living in a car is cheaper and more free. So I continue to live in a car now.


I can teach you how to thrive in a vehicle if you pm me. Like with clean clothes and good food.




So to recap:


Mom wanted attention and I was the marionette


Both church society and greater society tell me to live the American dream, of which I have to be asleep to believe.


Because I never was rewarded for “catching up” aka becoming normal, I realized that no one gives a shit about you.


I give great shits about myself.




I have a right to preferences. I like tough rough stuff that matches myself, a survivor of mental torture.


I have found peace through trial. David Goggins is a hardass who pushes himself.


I have found peace through David Goggins explanation.

Only problem with Goggins is that he has a fiance. Haha. Pushes himself in every other way... but then decides to marry, like he learned how to hack his brain to get what he wanted all along, blue pill dreams...


This isn’t everything,


any clarification wanted I can provide more

Hi HK 95,

Thank you for explaining your definition of "snipe". It's unusual, and far more positive than the traditional definition. From your context, it sounds like these women were ok with getting "sniped".

You didn't follow the format of our How To Intro sticky to which I had referred you, earlier, in my PM to you on March 29. Below, I recap in blue font its three numbered topics of discussion, required in every Intro, and let's see how well you did:


In order to discern genuine users from trolls, we will request the following information:

1. Relationship history (experience with women, red pills, what about it made you made you aware; note- you don't HAVE to have had relationships but you can speak of your interactions with women) -- it turns out trolls don't have good, realistic stories of this ilk.

A lot of what you wrote is about the influence your parents had on you, especially your mother, which sounds horrible. As far as relationship history with women for romance, you did talk a bit about your engagement that you called off, and you mentioned about girls you dated. Perhaps this could be fleshed out a little more, and our members may ask you questions, but with all that you have said I think you've got the bases covered.


2. Awareness: your previous blue pill perspectives, how you transitioned to red pill, with enough detail about what brought you to MGTOW.

For this section, you do not have the bases covered. There are men who have had their horror stories but still still have not swallowed the red pill. You seem to imply you are red pill. Let me ask you two questions, and I want you to answer each one separately, please:

1) Do you have hopes for a girlfriend or wife, or of having an emotional relationship with a woman?

2) If a woman wanted to have an emotional relationship with you, would you let it happen?


3. Who you are: tell us a little bit of who you are. What you like, what you do, etc.

What is your line of work? What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun? I know you are currently living in your car, but perhaps this does not prohibit you from enjoyment?



Please reply in a new post in this same thread. As before, your post will not immediately appear until we have had a chance to first look at it.

Thank you.


P.S. Please avoid triple spacing your sentences. Thanks.

P.S. Please avoid triple spacing your sentences. Thanks.

Don't tell him that! He'll be using quad, penta, and hexaspacing! You know how men are!

Man, that was a long post. Very insightful though. I look forward to discussing many of these points with you, especially about the things that I have only basic knowledge of.

With regards your dad, I may have some insights that you may find helpful. With regards the church, you may help me understand. We can learn from each other.

But first, as Unboxxed says, a valid intro is required. Please do so. The journey you are on is a long and often difficult one. Don't feel like you're alone.

I have a fear in sharing more. It is based in my existential fear of rejection.

I don't know how bad it is going to get and how far thoughtcrime will be enforced.

I have this fear, however irrational that my participation here on this forum will be used against me somehow.

The somehow is employment/getting resources/not being restricted in movement.


In writing this out, well, i feel better. My fear is a distortion of reality. The reality is, as a strong man i want to connect to a community of strong men.



2. Awareness: your previous blue pill perspectives, how you transitioned to red pill, with enough detail about what brought you to MGTOW.

I was only recently red pilled the last 2%.

Like many men, I only wanted better social skills so that i could find a woman. Learn all the red pill, only to back out of it and be with a woman.

The fake vanlifers with their hot girlfriends was what started me on a journey of self sufficiency. I thought women wanted to live on the road. They don't. It's fake.

Real vanlife is like 4x4 Hilux pickup trucks moving through rocks. No extra weight, vegan foods are excluded.


So i started my red pill journey under the pretense that it would fulfill my blue pill dreams. I then scraped the sticky burnt bluepill dreams off of the firey frying pan of life into the trash, to get hauled wherever inconsistent dreams go.




I bought a van in mormon college and didn’t go travel. I sold it. It was the perfect van. 119000 actual miles on an old 80’s van from a small small town. Perfect. 460 big block







My red pill dreams are very attainable compared to the blue pill ones. The blue pill dreams are actually impossible.



What brought me over into the last 2%

0. Facing my fear of being alone. I was already alone, but that fear had been ingrained in me by society.


Because i was socially isolated as a child, i feared being alone because i had no idea how to take care of myself. Then I discovered Ross Rosenberg on youtube. He talks about self love deficiency. That moved me a whole 1%.

1. Realizing that any woman i could find would treat a male baby the same way i was treated.

I love babies. I love to hold them, feed them, take care of them.

I don't see that same love for babies in a woman. it is more like, they have babies so the babies can do something for them, fill an attentional need they have, a willing unknowing trainable victim.

In fact, a woman passed by pushing a stroller with a little boy inside, 8 months. I always say to myself "sorry buddy". I wish i could help them.

Only way to help is to be an example of pure savagery. Silverback.

I came from nowhere. I am a nobody. A strong personal culture that i create of facing pain and overcoming fear, that makes someone my child if they follow me in that.

so that was the last 1%. David Goggins brought me over there, even though he is blue pill himself with a fiance.


Goggins lives in hell.

So do I. And i like it



2.


Previous blue pill perspectives:

That investing in a woman gets you more sex or what you want in general.


Working on a 4x4 taught me that if i put in the effort i get a better system.

Women will never dream of holding their own next to a Toyota Hilux Pickup.



That there is such a thing as a badass warrior woman/woman who actually does take names

I started to compare actions of people around me with each other.

I realized that everything a woman does is designed to attract a man, not to become self sufficient.



For real. I want to see bitches weigh 300 pounds at 3 percent body fat and squat semis. They could do everything themselves and still don’t.



They go to the gym to get sexually attractive, not to become barbarians.


I did meet one girl who was actually becoming a barbarian though. It was strange.




That a woman will raise you if you are down.


Women do not help men who are down. They berate men for being down.


I was beat up in 1st grade, and had my favorite light up buzz lightyear shoes removed and thrown in there. They got nasty.

A girl was among the crowd, and sided with the bully against me. That girl was my crush.

When i went in to get them, that 6 foot dumpster was intimidating to my 3 foot self.

it was nasty. one of the boys stayed to help me, but it was hostile. He was a bully too.



From then for years i was called dumpster boy. Now i own the term.

Satan checks under his bed for me.




1) Do you have hopes for a girlfriend or wife, or of having an emotional relationship with a woman?

No. The other half of the species does not want to live where i live both body and spirit. Overcoming personal trauma. Even when that is over, I abandon comfort. Women are creatures of comfort.

In other words, an impossible barrier to entry for a woman in my life. I am not domesticated. I will not be domesticated. I am essentially a demon, because I did not receive the proper care as a child, and in any other era i would have died. So I am undead in a sense. A demonic vampire.

Essentially, i was born into an era where i do not have the ingredients right away to make an ape happy. Therefore I will assemble the elements as I find them.

Because of the threats as they are pertaining to the other half of the species, that means staying the FUCK away.


Women are Dream Killers.

A woman has only been with me in a hard situation to add hostility and pain to my life. My mother, and other women at school long ago. Prior bosses.

It's hard enough without having to drag another person through pain as well.





2) If a woman wanted to have an emotional relationship with you, would you let it happen?

No. A prior friend of mine had a wife who surrounded herself with guinea pigs and rabbits. It was her healthiest emotional relationship. Because i am not a rabbit or guinea pig (good eatin!) I would have to become one in mannerisms, etc.

I have already had emotional relationships with women. I have been the tampon. I literally was a human tampon for my mother in the womb/coming out. I had to be there for her to get the attention she needed to fill her ABH (attention black hole).



I have noticed the less baby like I am, the less my mother accepted me. I have to be a baby for her to accept me.




3. Who you are: tell us a little bit of who you are. What you like, what you do, etc.

What is your line of work?

I am what Heinlein says:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.


What are your hobbies?


What do you do for fun?

I know you are currently living in your car, but perhaps this does not prohibit you from enjoyment?

I am a materialist. Not ashamed of it anymore. Stuff makes me VERY happy.

I am in the process of finding employment so I can buy the following:

Brompton with titanium fork and a conversion kit for electric

Honda EU 2000i with aftermarket electric remote start kit and propane conversion plate

Solid axle for my truck. 1992 toyota truck.

External amps and internal amps to blast the BARAD DUR theme.


Big Mordor custom bumpers and rock sliders.

HUGE ambulance alternator

Full float rear axle conversion.

Manual lockers/hubs front and rear. Transmission disconnect.

Panasonic Toughbook and toughtablet with 16gb ram and an external GPU to play DOOM, and

MORROWIND WITH ALL THE MODS! Then a recorded playthrough quest backdoor to destroy the god VIVEC as a barbarian no magic or CHIM...

Satphone and gps

Vintage Lego Bionicle

Welding classes to build a better house.



Basically I want to build an RV from hell. The design question is

"what if Sauron needed an rv to go through middle earth? what would that look like?"




Living really lean is what keeps me healthy. Comfort is the enemy. Comfort makes me a creature of comfort.

We all know what a creature of comfort is.

When I am weak, i imagine conversations I would have with a woman...
“it’s cold in here. We need to start the backup heater”


No bitch. I have wood heat for that. Backup heater is a backup.


“Why do I have to learn manual. Cant we be like everyone else and drive normal cars?”


Bitch, clutches are cheap and last 50k.


“Why do we have to hike 40 miles both ways?”


Because it is harder, to take the hard road.


And that is where I would be fighting a war on two fronts. Who wants to do that?


Also, none of these reasoned responses would be heeded anyway.




If you want more just ask. I don’t know what you want until I get corrected.

Originally Posted by HK 95

I have a fear in sharing more. It is based in my existential fear of rejection.

I don't know how bad it is going to get and how far thoughtcrime will be enforced.

I have this fear, however irrational that my participation here on this forum will be used against me somehow.

The somehow is employment/getting resources/not being restricted in movement.


In writing this out, well, i feel better. My fear is a distortion of reality. The reality is, as a strong man i want to connect to a community of strong men.



2. Awareness: your previous blue pill perspectives, how you transitioned to red pill, with enough detail about what brought you to MGTOW.

I was only recently red pilled the last 2%.

Like many men, I only wanted better social skills so that i could find a woman. Learn all the red pill, only to back out of it and be with a woman.

The fake vanlifers with their hot girlfriends was what started me on a journey of self sufficiency. I thought women wanted to live on the road. They don't. It's fake.

Real vanlife is like 4x4 Hilux pickup trucks moving through rocks. No extra weight, vegan foods are excluded.


So i started my red pill journey under the pretense that it would fulfill my blue pill dreams. I then scraped the sticky burnt bluepill dreams off of the firey frying pan of life into the trash, to get hauled wherever inconsistent dreams go.




I bought a van in mormon college and didn’t go travel. I sold it. It was the perfect van. 119000 actual miles on an old 80’s van from a small small town. Perfect. 460 big block







My red pill dreams are very attainable compared to the blue pill ones. The blue pill dreams are actually impossible.



What brought me over into the last 2%

0. Facing my fear of being alone. I was already alone, but that fear had been ingrained in me by society.


Because i was socially isolated as a child, i feared being alone because i had no idea how to take care of myself. Then I discovered Ross Rosenberg on youtube. He talks about self love deficiency. That moved me a whole 1%.

1. Realizing that any woman i could find would treat a male baby the same way i was treated.

I love babies. I love to hold them, feed them, take care of them.

I don't see that same love for babies in a woman. it is more like, they have babies so the babies can do something for them, fill an attentional need they have, a willing unknowing trainable victim.

In fact, a woman passed by pushing a stroller with a little boy inside, 8 months. I always say to myself "sorry buddy". I wish i could help them.

Only way to help is to be an example of pure savagery. Silverback.

I came from nowhere. I am a nobody. A strong personal culture that i create of facing pain and overcoming fear, that makes someone my child if they follow me in that.

so that was the last 1%. David Goggins brought me over there, even though he is blue pill himself with a fiance.


Goggins lives in hell.

So do I. And i like it



2.


Previous blue pill perspectives:

That investing in a woman gets you more sex or what you want in general.


Working on a 4x4 taught me that if i put in the effort i get a better system.

Women will never dream of holding their own next to a Toyota Hilux Pickup.



That there is such a thing as a badass warrior woman/woman who actually does take names

I started to compare actions of people around me with each other.

I realized that everything a woman does is designed to attract a man, not to become self sufficient.



For real. I want to see bitches weigh 300 pounds at 3 percent body fat and squat semis. They could do everything themselves and still don’t.



They go to the gym to get sexually attractive, not to become barbarians.


I did meet one girl who was actually becoming a barbarian though. It was strange.




That a woman will raise you if you are down.


Women do not help men who are down. They berate men for being down.


I was beat up in 1st grade, and had my favorite light up buzz lightyear shoes removed and thrown in there. They got nasty.

A girl was among the crowd, and sided with the bully against me. That girl was my crush.

When i went in to get them, that 6 foot dumpster was intimidating to my 3 foot self.

it was nasty. one of the boys stayed to help me, but it was hostile. He was a bully too.



From then for years i was called dumpster boy. Now i own the term.

Satan checks under his bed for me.




1) Do you have hopes for a girlfriend or wife, or of having an emotional relationship with a woman?

No. The other half of the species does not want to live where i live both body and spirit. Overcoming personal trauma. Even when that is over, I abandon comfort. Women are creatures of comfort.

In other words, an impossible barrier to entry for a woman in my life. I am not domesticated. I will not be domesticated. I am essentially a demon, because I did not receive the proper care as a child, and in any other era i would have died. So I am undead in a sense. A demonic vampire.

Essentially, i was born into an era where i do not have the ingredients right away to make an ape happy. Therefore I will assemble the elements as I find them.

Because of the threats as they are pertaining to the other half of the species, that means staying the FUCK away.


Women are Dream Killers.

A woman has only been with me in a hard situation to add hostility and pain to my life. My mother, and other women at school long ago. Prior bosses.

It's hard enough without having to drag another person through pain as well.





2) If a woman wanted to have an emotional relationship with you, would you let it happen?

No. A prior friend of mine had a wife who surrounded herself with guinea pigs and rabbits. It was her healthiest emotional relationship. Because i am not a rabbit or guinea pig (good eatin!) I would have to become one in mannerisms, etc.

I have already had emotional relationships with women. I have been the tampon. I literally was a human tampon for my mother in the womb/coming out. I had to be there for her to get the attention she needed to fill her ABH (attention black hole).



I have noticed the less baby like I am, the less my mother accepted me. I have to be a baby for her to accept me.




3. Who you are: tell us a little bit of who you are. What you like, what you do, etc.

What is your line of work?

I am what Heinlein says:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.


What are your hobbies?


What do you do for fun?

I know you are currently living in your car, but perhaps this does not prohibit you from enjoyment?

I am a materialist. Not ashamed of it anymore. Stuff makes me VERY happy.

I am in the process of finding employment so I can buy the following:

Brompton with titanium fork and a conversion kit for electric

Honda EU 2000i with aftermarket electric remote start kit and propane conversion plate

Solid axle for my truck. 1992 toyota truck.

External amps and internal amps to blast the BARAD DUR theme.


Big Mordor custom bumpers and rock sliders.

HUGE ambulance alternator

Full float rear axle conversion.

Manual lockers/hubs front and rear. Transmission disconnect.

Panasonic Toughbook and toughtablet with 16gb ram and an external GPU to play DOOM, and

MORROWIND WITH ALL THE MODS! Then a recorded playthrough quest backdoor to destroy the god VIVEC as a barbarian no magic or CHIM...

Satphone and gps

Vintage Lego Bionicle

Welding classes to build a better house.



Basically I want to build an RV from hell. The design question is

"what if Sauron needed an rv to go through middle earth? what would that look like?"




Living really lean is what keeps me healthy. Comfort is the enemy. Comfort makes me a creature of comfort.

We all know what a creature of comfort is.

When I am weak, i imagine conversations I would have with a woman...
“it’s cold in here. We need to start the backup heater”


No bitch. I have wood heat for that. Backup heater is a backup.


“Why do I have to learn manual. Cant we be like everyone else and drive normal cars?”


Bitch, clutches are cheap and last 50k.


“Why do we have to hike 40 miles both ways?”


Because it is harder, to take the hard road.


And that is where I would be fighting a war on two fronts. Who wants to do that?


Also, none of these reasoned responses would be heeded anyway.




If you want more just ask. I don’t know what you want until I get corrected.

Hi HK 95,

I have a fear in sharing more. It is based in my existential fear of rejection.

I will say, you have provided a full Intro, giving us insight into your situation, then and now. I will allow our members to know at this time that you had proactively contacted me via PM, letting me know that you were working on making an Intro, saying "Getting into this prior conditioning as a person is painful" which I interpreted as saying you find it painful to regurgitate your personal history to make the Intro. If I interpreted you correctly, thank you for suffering to get it all out.

Satan checks under his bed for me.

That made me laugh. I am concerned, though, wondering to what extent you actually invest in the way you describe yourself as undead, a demonic vampire, you live in hell and like it, etc. I hope it was just part of a cartharthis in writing your Intro and not more than that. Maybe in time we will get to know your style and sense of humor, etc. You sound admirably independent.

With your latest responses, you have provided the Intro we seek in order to provide you membership here as a red pill MGHOW. I have now moved you out of moderation and you are free to post on our site. Before you do, however, please familiarize yourself with our site Principles by clicking on that word at the top of this page, in the black bar.

Thank you, and Welcome!

There is always more to discuss.

Any more questions?

I have this fear, however irrational that my participation here on this forum will be used against me somehow.

You have us confused with facebook, amazon, and twitter, those are the places where one must watch what they say or pay the price!

Right.

Humans look for all the bad, and i am just as guilty of that.

I am a fear based being, same as all of you.

I have panic attacks like all people. It's my brain telling me that i am already dead in the sense that i have no tribe and was abandoned as a child to whatever threats existed socially.


it's just an instinct that warns. nothing to do with reality now.

That feeling keeps me pushing into the world, applying for jobs.


It's like Kenshiro. You er alredi ded!

Naw man, you’re not alone.

Many of us, myself included, felt like this in the beginning but it simply isn’t true; it’s what they want you to believe, just another form of control: “We are the collective, you MUST comply!”

If you don’t believe this I suggest reading the many intro’s here and the stickies on the various sub-forums. You won’t be long in realising the truth – you are not alone in your perceptions.

As for the “I’m already dead” thing, this will pass as you learn to live for yourself without the need for the validation of others.

Ah, many haven't seen Fist of theNorth star.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fxdaj7xIjTw


Death happens to us all. I like the middle part very much!!