
Originally Posted by
HK 95
Dad competed with me for moms attention:
My dad was constantly competing with me for attention from mom as a male and he still did in 2021 last time I saw him.
He told me that I need to find a woman who can be like my mommy.
He found her/that. I find it sick. Most women have a primary duty to kids (so they discard the man but not the resources), not my mom. She neglected us for my dad’s needs.
I told my dad, If I had children (outside of any commitment scenario, no marriage, girlfriend)
The ape mother is there to breastfeed the child and take care of the helpless thing. You had a mom already. It was shitty for you, but now you are cognitively aware enough to engage in self care.
A man can get his physical and emotional needs met with as few as none or as many people as he wants to involve.
He didn’t give a shit about it.
I remember being 1 and my dad was being held like I needed to be from my mom in the kitchen even though I was cold. My feet were cold on the tile and I didn’t know how to dress myself yet.
They told me, Move to the carpet.
Children are dependent. When they are cold or hungry it is the job of the caregiver to interpret the covert communication and find out what is wrong.
Hold their feet, see if they are cold.
During the pregnancy with me my mom would eat bad food because she claims it is all she could keep down. I wasn’t there, so I have to take that at face value.
I was assembled with soda, sweets, candy. Right out of the factory made from inferior parts. This affected me as a child.
I have had a pervasive sense of lack my whole life. It means nothing was as good as all those carbs.
Recently I have changed my diet completely and that has gone away. Say what you will about it, my opinion is that food is like car parts. Order cheap ones, and then the car is a lawn ornament.
Food is my human assembly parts. It is literally incorporated into my body.
I eat Soylent, Whey. Some roughage from bananas and other vegetables from time to time.
It is really good on my stomach.
Part 2: Munchasen
I am hesitant to call it munchasen by proxy because when I was the proxy I wasn’t allowed to have a real medical problem. My needs were diminished. But it was indeed the case.
From 6 years on my mother would drag me around the psychiactric community, saying I am hyper and don’t listen. They would fry my brain with all sorts of shit based on my mother’s explanation of my behavior.
If I disagreed with her, hey, I was the crazy one who couldn’t see what was going on. I had no say.
Being the woman she was, this absolved her of responsibility. It was my fault the hoarder house wasn’t clean. Always.
No amount of behavior change was good enough for her.
I am a former Mormon. I was born into it. In fact, I was born into the whole system I don’t like.
Prose
Born into a system that is not wanted by you
With no power to change it
And yet it is your fault by not choosing to fix!
So the dynamic between being Mormon and Public school and society was very difficult for me.
Programming in Primary
In primary, from 5 years old and onward, we are taught to do a life plan. This life plan cannot deviate from the mormon values:
Basically we chose to come here (Even though I do not remember agreeing to such a contract, it must have been made while I was not conscious so my end is not worth anything there, release me from it haha)
We have to get baptized at 8 (which is a huge deal and I did not understand the theology until much later, so why hold me to it at a young age)
And then I am given priesthood duties at 12 which is a bunch of busywork, rituals over bread and water, etc.
I remember that they didn’t want to give me the priesthood both at 12 and at 18 because I was crazy from all the stuff my mom got doctors to give me.
I went and served a mission, which was difficult because I was broken as a person. Southwest states. I wanted them to teach me a language because when I got out then I could have a skill. That was the reason I crushed down because it was too worldly, but I was afraid it was true. The surface reason I told people was that I wanted the spirit to work in me to learn.
Called English on the "Mission call".
I learned Spanish anyway. I started teaching myself then. Bootstraps.
I learned enough to impress some people there.
So i did the whole two years. Missionaries are a bunch of high schoolers. Nothing special.
So my self worth was dependent on my community service, and you will see later when I broke that I was MUCH HAPPIER.
Leaving the church:
At mormon college. BYU UTAH.
I left because I broke the “law of chastity” I never had any, and this woman offered because she wanted it.
No contraceptives, I am on the side of the law of averages which means I have no kids and no need to navigate child support.
So I am dating this woman because I wanted to “overcome the lust together/build a relationship” and it never happened. She was an ugly nympho. (and I didn’t know that desire is non-nego)
I asked her to marry me. Because I thought that I was going to be happy, that she was going to want to lay with me all the time.
Then the sex got weird, she really let the crazy out.
Weird in the way that I was supposed to do what she wanted in bed or else.
So if I left her, wouldn’t marry her, she could say something that might ruin my education. But if I stayed, I could feel those big ass balls and chains man.
Because she knew she had the power to say anything about me because she was afraid to lose me because she couldn’t keep a man because she was a 3 and she was getting 7’s that pump and dump her.
She was desperate too. 29. hit the wall already. So I saw that.
I was aware enough to know that being accused falsely would ruin my future.
She went to look at wedding dresses with mom, who was also ugly. So I knew shit was serious on her end. I was having free trial remorse( aka my email is flooded with calls to buy a shitty program that I got to do one thing one time feeling.)
So the next time she said I was crazy I walked back to my apartment and packed my stuff.
I got housing from a church guy farmer who has migrant housing. I stayed there and learned more spanish.
Then I left there and I was working hard at work. I got promoted.
then I moved to a different town because I wanted to get promoted at work.
She left me alone. One night I was craving sex and my lizard brain dialed her, then realized what an idiot mistake that was. She screamed at me for leaving. I hung up because it was the thing to do. She called and I never picked up. I changed my number again after that.
I recorded this girl in case something came up later.
Then work went crazy because I didn’t know about skiving. I literally worked as hard as I can and then I am the problem? Perhaps this has happened to you.
Also low low social skill level from being segregated in school. So I will talk about school now:
School treating me like a defective girl. How I am not allowed to be a boy. Which is a lot of late 80’s early 90’s kids.
One time the preschool teacher locked me in the bathroom for several hours because they wanted to separate me. Stupid woman.
I remember that day. It tells me to be freeee!!!! Free from females who will lock you in the concrete room with a toilet and sink… No joke.
I am so glad i got a taste of that sweet sweet concrete.
So I was low on the dominance hierarchy. All I did was snipe through high school:
I sniped 11 women
(sniping is when you wait until the “perfect time to dump all of your feelings for someone all at once)
Laura was the worst one. She really got me in trouble. She said she didn’t feel safe around me. Even though she only hung out with upper class men at her table who were banging her.
And there was another woman who I sniped at church and dated off and on. She married a guy from there that I grew up with. She waited his whole mission for him. Like I had a chance. Now I see it for the Ball and Chain it is. Like aladdin and the sea.
This whole time I thought I was receiving revelation that confirmed that I was being a good mormon boy.
I see it for what it is now. Program beliefs in children, then when they pray, they get confrimation bias because the spirit feels like peace and safety, and confrimation bias is safety in an option already selected.
So it is a big grift.
George carlin said it best for me. God has everything, all powerful all knowing and yet he needs my money haha.
I gave thousands in tithing. Even when I lived in a car. Gave all that money to the church. I left because I needed help and they didn’t help me. I worked my ass off at work and found a place.
So when I have done all I can for myself then shit got better.
Then I realized that living in a car is cheaper and more free. So I continue to live in a car now.
I can teach you how to thrive in a vehicle if you pm me. Like with clean clothes and good food.
So to recap:
Mom wanted attention and I was the marionette
Both church society and greater society tell me to live the American dream, of which I have to be asleep to believe.
Because I never was rewarded for “catching up” aka becoming normal, I realized that no one gives a shit about you.
I give great shits about myself.
I have a right to preferences. I like tough rough stuff that matches myself, a survivor of mental torture.
I have found peace through trial. David Goggins is a hardass who pushes himself.
I have found peace through David Goggins explanation.
Only problem with Goggins is that he has a fiance. Haha. Pushes himself in every other way... but then decides to marry, like he learned how to hack his brain to get what he wanted all along, blue pill dreams...
This isn’t everything,
any clarification wanted I can provide more