Iíve lurked a long while and I wanted to sign up and join and so my story can be added to the list of guys who made it through. Normally I don't register for message boards, but for the past few months I've really liked this one and want to participate a little. To start Iím 51 and (now) live in Boston.
I did ok with women in high school and college, mostly slept around in college. It was a party school we drank and screwed around. I did fine, slept around, drank around, never accidentally got anybody preggers or got VD. In Grad School I met my ex wife. It was good, we lived together for like 4 years then got married, mostly so we could take a vacation and it made getting a mortgage easier. It was a tiny wedding. 8 people. Then we went to Europe for a few weeks. We were kinda hipster couple. No kids 420 friendly. Concerts on the weekend, dinner parties that turned into drunken fire pit hangouts. It was nice. After a while of course the sex slowed down, the resentment started to build, whatever. I figured itís just how life goes.
15 years after we got married, itís July 4 and she cuts her hand BAD and has to go to the hospital and get surgery. Stuck a knife right through her hand. Iíd taken her to the emergency room and we didnít bring anything, it was a get in the car and go moment, so I had my phone, she didnít have hers, and she was wearing grubby yard work clothes and flip flops. She needed surgery which was gonna take a while so I went home to get her phone and some sweats she could put on after surgery. Surgery wasnít life threatening or anything, I could be home and back before she was set to be out, like an hour.
I get home, let the dog out, and gather up a few things. Then her phone starts buzzing, sheís got like 15 texts from JP, that are things like, why didnít you call me, I miss you, I can't wait to see you this weekend, blah blah blah. I was floored. I knew her pass code so I looked. Sheíd been having an affair with some guy. For months and months. Was planning on telling me 'soon'.
I was angry as hell and also freaking the f out. My whole world crashed in that moment. Everything was over. Everything. After a few minutes I knew I couldnít stay, this was over. I was probably sitting there for a half hour in shock before I could start to move. I packed my clothes into whatever I could find. I dumped out plastic storage bins and just threw shit in it. Along the way I'd throw in some personal stuff. I packed up all the dog stuff, cause that dog was mine from birth and I wasn't debating shit about him. I realized that we backed up our computers on these Iomega drives, so I open her laptop, back it up, open her email, back it up, pack the drives and few other important to me things and leave. I wanted to burn the house down so bad. I didnít.
I was such a moron I actually took her phone to her and said something stupid mean like, ĎMaybe JP can pick you up.í I told her I wanted a divorce and I was going away for a while. I left and went to a hotel with the dog. I spent the night reading through it all and drinking. Tons and tons of emails. Dirty photos, the whole 9 yards. I couldnít believe it, our marriage wasnít great but it wasnít horrible, we never even talked about splitting up. But she was turning 40 and upset that I wasnít on the same yoga path to enlightenment. I was a dinosaur is what sheíd text to her friends. Her friends knew too, they were setting it up. Calling lawyers, gathering documents, lying for each other. Two of her friends were planning similar, I don't know if they were cheating, but they'd all decided to drop the bomb on us husbands and circle their wagons.
Next day I got an appointment with a lawyer. My good friend was in the middle of a horrible costly divorce so he got me in with his guy. The lawyer told me to get to the bank, get half the money out of the joint accounts, shut everything (cards) down and he gave me a list of financial stuff he needed. Six months later I lost a significant portion of my 401k, get like half the equity of what I should have gotten (she kept it too), and Iím living in an apartment near work. The infidelity stuff didnít matter in court. The planning didnít matter. It was simply splitting everything into what they call half.
Anger phase was pretty bad. Within a year I was a complete booze bag (blackout drunk every night) and I was fucking up at work. Luckily at work I caught a break. They wanted to put me on an improvement plan- a 90 day you need to get better plan. I asked for a package instead. Said I needed to move away that the small town thing was killing me and I wanted to relocate. I got six monthsí pay after 12 years excellent service. I got a shrink, stopped boozing after about a year, and interviewed all across the country.
I work in higher education. Not a professor. Accounting. I can work at any college, university and many hospitals. I figured I would be fine and mostly I was. It took almost a year but I got a great job and relocated to just outside of Boston. Another year later I bought a little house near the beach that needs work but is in a great location. I'm not handy, but I am learning and taking the house apart room by room and upgrading it. I'm amazed what I can do. I still hate that when I left my ex I took nothing. I never went back to the house after finding out. She and her friends decided what I was getting as far as the split of stuff in the house. It was all garbage old furniture, not one tool or screwdriver none of the 'good' stuff. Because I was in an apartment and not a house they didn't think I'd need a power washer or a saws-all or any of the crystal glasses, really anything that wasn't a book from college with my name written in it. I coulda filed a motion but fuck it, I was out and moving on. I didn't want to remember our life together every time I made something in a pan we got as a wedding gift. Screw it all.
Relocating wasnít easy, I had no friends here when I moved, nobody. But Iím good at my job and Iím a decent guy so now Iíve got a few close friends and a kinda active social life. I get to do what I want when I want and Iíve never been happier. Iíve found a bunch of (mostly) kid-less middle aged brunch partners, dinner party throwers, and concert goers. Iím even in an informal book club- we read the book but monthly we meet for dinner and its more about dinner.
It wasnít the divorce. After like a year I decided to internet date. The first year I was divorced I went a bit ape shit with the P4P. You name it escort services, massage joints, bar sluts, whoever. It wasnít sustainable but itís a good thing to learn how to navigate the P4P system.
So I internet date. Tons of first dates. Iíve never dated a single mom, figure they canít all be that bad. I date one for like 4 months- sheís cute and much younger than me. Sex is amazing. But she lives at home. Barely works. After four months she starts saying she thinks she should move in. Wants to check the school system and sign the kid up someplace. So that ended. She was pissed, but I was honest that there was no way we could afford to live if she isnít working full time. She lives off her parents, Iím not grandparent rich. A few weeks of I hate you texts go by then she takes up with some other guy. My mistake was getting to close too quick. We were texting all day after a few dates. Donít do that.
Then I meet a super hot sexy Grad Student. Psychology PhD candidate. Tall. Blonde. Way outta my league. But sheís flirty and we live near each other so we meet for a drink. She loves older guys but doesnít want to date publicly. After a few 'dates' I get her to admit that she's looking for Mr Right Now until she's graduated and gotten a good job. Then she'll marry another successful professional. Whatever. Keeping this quiet is good for me. Iím not a professor but Iím pretty sure banging 31 year old grad students is frowned on. So for three years we go at it, on and off. It was hot. Going to restaurants where we figure nobody will recognize us, weekends at my house or the cape where sheís lying to her roommates and friends (and maybe boyfriend, I never cared), vacations to sunny places. Of course I develop a case of oneitis. I tried to convince her with gifts, trips, and talks. But in the end Iím too old to be Mr. Forever. I was blue pill sad for a while, but then I realized that Iíd spent more than 10 grand over the past few years. On a piece of ass. It wasnít the amount- I donít mind paying if Iím dating some really young thing who works at the mall or is still in school but has an amazing body or personality (cause you got to find one you can talk to). Fine. It was more that I kinda woke up. I was torn, still am, whatís the price of ass? I mean it was 100,000% worth it taking that girl to a week in Jamaica. The white bikini will hopefully be the last memory in my old rotten brain, but at what cost?
So I started weighing the price of a piece of ass vs my life goals and needs. Then I found the red pill. I get it. I donít totally agree 100% at all, but pieces of it are spot on. Same with MGTOW. Iím down with a lot of it, but not totally. Iím kinda a ghost MGTOW, but I havenít given up on women. Just changed my willingness to be a wallet to anybody. And I took a giant step back as far as the effort I'm willing to put into dating.
The past two years Iíve used a combo of it all- P4P, Internet dates, meeting people in real life, whatever. Iíll flirt like mad with anybody Iíd screw. I have a little game. Not much, but enough. I did the reading, then made it work for an old guy. No fatties, or crack heads, or daddy drama. Iím going to ignore you if I hear horror stories about your drinking or that youíre 40 and barely getting by with your dog walking business. Sorry. But if you are say a working mom with two teenaged kids and your divorce was years ago and you got a pretty (face) hey Iíll give it a whirl. I start with ďIím not looking for anything serious.Ē and I mean it. No trading keys, no moving in together ever, none of it. We can date. We can go out, go to events, games, concerts, but I want them to carry their weight. Iím not splitting every check 50/50 like some equal payment Nazi- its more like Iíll pay tonight you get next time. If I want to go to a concert Iíll get the tickets, you buy dinner. Just make it seem fair. And Iíve got other shit going on, so Iíll see you a few times a month. This is key. Donít get too close and start seeing each other all the time, both of you will get feelings and feelings lead to bad decisions, like giving her a shelf in the bathroom.
I'm amazed that tail isn't hard to get at all. I'm no god but I have a job, house, car, dog, and I'm over six feet by a few inches. It works. Maintaining it, dating them for real is difficult, but there are levels of commitment. This summer I met a lady, a friend of a friend at a Kentucky Derby party. Divorced, no kids but with a beach house up on the North Shore. 47, ok looking, not a 8-9 but for 47 a solid I'm not sure what number you are but I totally want to screw you. She actually approached me, indecent proposition from the get go. I knew her sorta, had heard ok things so I had sex w her, it was nice. Next day I tell her nothing serious and she says lets meet a few times a month for dinner and sex, or a day at the beach and sex. No strings, she doesn't wanna get married or tied down either, but I'm tall, can hold a conversation and GGG. She says she hasn't been with a man in a long time. Not sure I believe her, but whatever, condoms forever. Its been 7 or 8 months. She's never tried to get more than we agreed, never tried to make it a real relationship. She gets all dolled up for our dates, and I do to. We go to nice places, eat good food, screw and go back to our lives.
Oh also, I got a vasectomy in my mid 30ís. Best decision ever. I still wrap the bastard every time but from day 1 women know I will never be making a baby. I think its added to my confidence actually. Like I'll talk to mid 30's wall approaching desperate for a baby women. Why not? They don't need to know I had a vasectomy until after we've done it a while. They don't approach me and say put a baby in me, why should I start with no babies here? Pump and dump is kinda mean, I prefer to think we got naked before we understood each others ultimate desires. (Ha! totally pump and dumping y'all)
Who am I?
Iím a MGTOW dating ghost. 80% of the time Iím alone doing what I do alone- walking the dog, exercising, cooking, going to concerts, dinner out in town, literally whatever I want. Day after Christmas I drove to the Cape just to go to a restaurant I like and take a photo of the beach and tag it on Instagram. Win win. I love Instagram bombs too. Like Hey, guess who is in Paris? Oh hey is that Amsterdam? Itís great. I take lots of weekend trips and rarely announce them. Just one Instagram photo, or one facebook photo. I don't do a lot of social media at all, but since Tinder and Bumble use it I keep mine up to date sorta. No photos of my face. Mostly restaurant signs, Country signs, drinks, stuff that says I'm out being social. Half the time I'm alone, but I don't broadcast that.
I guess I'll post more in the ghost thread, but since moving to a city where I know a scant few people its pretty easy to be anonymous and invisible. I'm loving it. I really have freedom. Actual freedom. I talked a lot about dating in this intro because it was mandatory, but really its a small part of my life, most of the time I'm working on my house or yard, working out, reading, binge watching Netflix, chilling in the city, or whatever I want to do.
Like I said Iím 51, tall- six two, skinny, preppy looking, glasses wearing, kinda balding, sweater wearing office slave who learned the way to happy. Iím gonna do me. You do you, its cool, but me Iím gonna do me.
When I cleaned up I changed my diet (that sucked hard), quit drinking too much, and started (ugh) lifting. I've never been a gym person. Never set foot in one. But I got a set of weights, put them in the basement and learned. I lift three times a week. I'm not trying to get super cut. Just 51 year old cut. Its been six months. Protein shakes and basic exercises. I look good. Feel good. I hate to admit it but working out is fundamental. It really is.
I figured Iíd join and maybe participate a little in the discussions. Now that Iím past anger and hate and have my life turned around I feel like I should offer some hope to guys still going through the process. Iíve been encouraged by the support people show each other here and on some of the other MGTOW forums. I respect that opinions about women and life vary and Iíd like my voice to be heard. Plus I wanna learn from other ghosts, other P4P old guys, whatever.
Any questions fire away! Thanks!